Hollywood’s latest stroke of progressive genius comes courtesy of Warner Bros. Discovery, who have decided that a black Superman set during the civil rights era just isn’t quite… presidential enough. According to a leaked meeting transcript obtained by Jackal.Today, CEO David Zaslav demanded a rewrite — one that better reflects “current political narratives”. The result? Superman will now fight injustice by looting retail chains across urban America. 🛒💥🍉
“The project is interesting,” Zaslav reportedly told executives, “but it doesn’t reflect the White House’s commitment to greatness. We need something that aligns with Washington’s vision of raising America’s greatness — one smashed Target at a time.”
The updated plot will feature Kal-Louie Washington, an inner-city Kryptonian who uses his powers to “liberate” goods from megacorporate retailers. Wearing a cape made of upcycled BLM flags, he flies over Brooklyn, scanning for systemic oppression — which usually manifests near electronics aisles. Once detected, he swoops into the nearest Walmart, grabs a PS5, some Cîroc, and a George Foreman grill — all in the name of racial equity. ⚡🥃📺
From Civil Rights to Civil Flights — Through Walgreens Windows
The original film was to be a somber take on Black identity during the 1960s, with Kal-El raised in the segregated South. But Zaslav reportedly feared it would alienate modern viewers who think Rosa Parks was a Spotify artist. So instead, the studio’s new vision will show Superman dodging rubber bullets, fighting off riot police, and declaring, “This is for George!” before throwing a cash register through a Sephora window.
“It’s not theft. It’s wealth redistribution,” said one screenwriter, vaping nervously.
In a pivotal scene, Superman blocks rubber bullets with a stolen garbage can lid while livestreaming on TikTok. His heat vision has been replaced with problematic tweet detection, and his only weakness is filing taxes or finding his real dad.
Critics within Warner allegedly raised concerns, asking if turning Superman into a loot-happy TikTok vigilante might be “a bit on the nose.” They were reportedly told to “shut up and check their privilege.”
Representation Matters — Even If It’s Shoplifted
Hollywood diversity quotas remain firmly in place, so the cast is as inclusive as a UN brochure in drag:
- A non-binary demon mentor named Luci-Fair, voiced by Lizzo;
- A trans Lex Luthor named Lexa-Lu (played by Elliot Page with CGI muscles);
- And a special cameo from George Soros, who gifts Kal-Louie his iconic “Justice Hoodie™.”
The film will also include a VR Experience, letting audiences step into the Nikes of Black Superman as he “reclaims” a Nike store in 4K. A limited edition Loot Crate (literally) will ship with bricks, Molotov cocktails, and a free membership to Antifa+. 🎮🔥
Meanwhile, early merch designs show Superman with gold chains, a vape pen, and a “Make Gotham Ghetto Again” hat.
Conservatives Are Fuming — But Progressives Want Even More Loot
Predictably, conservative pundits are melting down faster than Kryptonite in a microwave. One Texas pastor wrote on Truth Social:
“This isn’t representation. This is a super-powered riot.”
But progressive voices argue the project doesn’t go far enough. A DEI consultant reportedly demanded the character be renamed “SuperPerson”, because “Superman” reinforces patriarchal colonialism.
David Zaslav, however, remains unfazed. According to insiders, he told colleagues at an afterparty:
“If this makes a billion, I’ll wear cornrows and greenlight Gay Aquaman faster than you can say ‘equity funding’.”
Next Up: Batman on Food Stamps and Wonder Woman Suing for Amazonian Reparations
If the Black Superman reboot is successful, Warner reportedly plans an entire line of “Woke Heroes”:
- Batman, now unemployed and living in a rent-controlled apartment, fights gentrification in Brooklyn;
- Wonder Woman, a militant feminist activist demanding reparations for unpaid Amazon labor;
- The Flash, who loots so fast you can’t cancel him.
Even Aquaman will join the movement, returning to land to protest microplastics — in rainbow scuba gear and nipple piercings.
Welcome to the new DC Universe: no truth, no justice, just vibes. 🌈💅🔥
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
