In a world where the gaming industry has long become a battlefield for the feelings of anyone and everyone who can take offense, the Polish studio Techland has decided not to just raise a white flag, but to wave it with the enthusiasm of a first-grader at a parade. The moment that progressive European activists have been waiting for — and that crusty, traditionalist gamers have been dreading — has finally arrived: pigs have been completely cut from the European version of the upcoming zombie blockbuster Dying Light: The Beast.
You heard that right. The greatest enemies of humanity in the new apocalypse aren’t the walking dead, not mutants, and not even the GPU shortage, but cloven-hoofed animals whose mere appearance can apparently inflict irreparable psychological trauma. 🐷💥
The reason for such a radical step, according to the official (and very cautious) statement from the developers, was the desire to “meet halfway and show respect for the feelings of Europe’s Muslim community.” Apparently, during a beta test, one player wandered onto a virtual farm and experienced such profound culture shock and existential horror at the sight of a pink snout that he immediately fired off a complaint to the European video game commission, backing it up with threats to “bomb” the game’s rating on Steam. And Techland, a studio known for its brutality and uncompromising depiction of zombie dismemberment, suddenly flinched. The marketing department, armed with calculators and Venn diagrams, quickly calculated that the potential profits from a new audience were far more important than trivial things like artistic integrity or common sense. After all, what are a couple of virtual pigs compared to a multi-million dollar market of easily offended but highly solvent citizens? A rhetorical question. Now, instead of oinking creatures, the farms will feature… broccoli. Organic. Non-GMO. And, of course, halal. 🥦
This decision is the logical continuation of the “cultural adaptation” policy that Techland already tested on the Japanese market. As a reminder, to get the coveted CERO Z rating, the Japanese version of Dying Light: The Beast had all dismemberment and nudity removed. Japanese gamers will now fight zombies that politely disintegrate into pixelated pollen and cherry blossom petals after a machete strike, and all female characters will be dressed in modest burqas, lest a single extra polygon offend someone’s delicate sensibilities. But Europe, as we all know, is light-years ahead in the tolerance department. It’s not enough to just cover up nudity here — you have to eradicate the very source of potential offense. Pigs were the first casualty. Who’s next? Dogs, because they’re also considered “unclean”? Maybe cows, so as not to offend Hindus? Or the crosses on first-aid kits, so as not to trigger atheists? ✝️🚫
While progressive society gives a standing ovation and posts ecstatic tweets about how the gaming industry is finally becoming “inclusive,” the old guard of gamers is grinding their teeth and asking: what will actually be left in the game? If you take the violence out for one group, the nudity for another, and the pigs for a third, what remains? A walking simulator set in a sterile world where everyone respects each other and the only threat is gluten. Enemies will attack only after first asking for your pronouns, and instead of blood, they’ll burst into rainbows and butterflies. 🦋🌈 The main character, instead of trying to survive, will practice meditation, do yoga, and run a blog about the importance of accepting yourself and others. The apocalypse has never been so friendly and politically correct. Rumor has it that in the next patch, Techland plans to replace all melee weapons with pillows and firearms with water pistols. Just to be safe. The final boss, obviously, will be white, cisgender, heterosexual male privilege. And it can only be defeated by the power of dialogue and mutual understanding. Bravo, Techland, bravo! 👏
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
