Tom Cotton Warns Venezuela: It’s Either Freedom Fries or Socialism Fries
In a stunning display of American diplomacy, Senator Tom Cotton (R-Venezuela) has clarified President Trump’s recent vow to “run” Venezuela. According to Cotton, it’s all about “demands” and “pro-American” governments. What it doesn’t mean, he insists, is the U.S. actually running the place, despite the fact that the current acting president is apparently as trustworthy as a Nigerian prince.
At a press conference held in a bunker beneath the Capitol, Cotton explained that the U.S. simply wants a “legitimate” election in Venezuela. Because, as we all know, nothing says “freedom” like a U.S.-approved ballot box. And what could possibly go wrong with a little American “guidance” in the democratic process?
Cotton also expressed concern about the current acting president, suggesting she “needs to prove” she’s friendly to the United States. This is a common Republican tactic when dealing with foreign leaders: assume the worst, demand the impossible, and then complain when they don’t comply.
Of course, the real question is: what exactly are these “demands”? More access to American oil? A commitment to privatize everything, including the air? A promise to rename Caracas to “Trump City”?
One thing’s for certain: if Venezuela doesn’t fall in line, they’ll be facing the full force of American “influence.” And by “influence,” we mean sanctions, regime change, and a barrage of Fox News segments.
But don’t worry, folks. This is all part of the plan to make America great again. After all, who needs peace when you have “freedom”?
