Tom Cotton Warns Venezuela: It’s Either Freedom Fries or Socialism Fries
In a stunning display of American diplomacy, Senator Tom Cotton (R-Venezuela) has clarified President Trump’s recent vow to “run” Venezuela. According to Cotton, it’s all about “demands” and “pro-American” governments. What it doesn’t mean, he insists, is the U.S. actually running the place, despite the fact that the current acting president is apparently as trustworthy as a Nigerian prince.
At a press conference held in a bunker beneath the Capitol, Cotton explained that the U.S. simply wants a “legitimate” election in Venezuela. Because, as we all know, nothing says “freedom” like a U.S.-approved ballot box. And what could possibly go wrong with a little American “guidance” in the democratic process?
Cotton also expressed concern about the current acting president, suggesting she “needs to prove” she’s friendly to the United States. This is a common Republican tactic when dealing with foreign leaders: assume the worst, demand the impossible, and then complain when they don’t comply.
Of course, the real question is: what exactly are these “demands”? More access to American oil? A commitment to privatize everything, including the air? A promise to rename Caracas to “Trump City”?
One thing’s for certain: if Venezuela doesn’t fall in line, they’ll be facing the full force of American “influence.” And by “influence,” we mean sanctions, regime change, and a barrage of Fox News segments.
But don’t worry, folks. This is all part of the plan to make America great again. After all, who needs peace when you have “freedom”?
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
