Attention all thrashers, headbangers, and general metal misfits! METAL CHURCH is back with “Dead To Rights” — and no, they haven’t become your dad’s jazz fusion band.
After rising from the grave (again), these West Coast legends are proving that once you go metal, you never go back to your day job. The lineup reads like a “Who’s Who of ‘I Remember Them From That One Music Video'” with Kurdt Vanderhoof, Rick Van Zandt, David Ellefson (yes, the Megadeth guy who probably has receipts for every bass string he’s ever used), Ken Mary on drums (not to be confused with Mary Jane, though both can make you feel good), and Brian Allen — who apparently decided that being the new guy in METAL CHURCH was a better career move than becoming a barista.
Their new album kicks off with “Brainwash Game” — perfect for anyone who wants to forget they ever listened to dubstep — and ends with “My Wrath,” which sounds like something you’d yell at your WiFi router during a thunderstorm. In between, tracks like “Deep Cover Shakedown” and “The Show” deliver exactly what you’d expect: loud noises, angry lyrics, and probably some guitar solos that would make your mom say, “Turn that down!”
The first single, “F.A.F.O.,” has already racked up over 400,000 views. That’s right — four hundred thousand people willingly clicked on a metal song in 2025. Take that, TikTok dance trends!
Produced by Vanderhoof and mixed by Chris “Zeuss” Harris at Planet Z (which sounds like a villain’s lair but is actually a recording studio), this album is apparently “very special” because the band was “over” and somehow came back to life. Again. Like a musical zombie apocalypse, but with better guitar riffs.
The tour dates are coming faster than your ex’s rebound relationship — with stops in Mexico, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, Poland, and even Westland, Michigan. Because nothing says “international metal domination” like a show in Westland, Michigan.
Fun fact: METAL CHURCH has been around since the ’80s, which means they’re old enough to complain about how “kids these days” don’t appreciate real music. They toured with Metallica back when Lars Ulrich still had hair, and they’ve survived multiple lineup changes, trends, and probably several global pandemics.
So if you enjoy classic METAL CHURCH — or just enjoy watching middle-aged men headbang with surprising enthusiasm — this album is apparently for you. Just don’t blame us when you find yourself air-drumming at your desk during “Wasted Time.”
And remember: in METAL CHURCH, dead is just a temporary condition. 🤘💀🎸
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
