FOREIGNER’s Kelly Hansen, the guy who replaced the *real* voice, has decided to peace out. Apparently, screaming “Juke Box Hero” for the last 20 years wasn’t enough to fulfill his rock ‘n’ roll dreams. 🎤💨 More like “Juke Box Zero” amirite? 🤣
In a dramatic, totally-not-staged-for-maximum-attention move, Hansen announced his departure on the season finale of NBC‘s “The Voice.” Because what better way to say goodbye to a legendary rock band than by sharing the spotlight with a bunch of wannabe pop stars? He “passed the torch” to guitarist Luis Maldonado. A guitarist?! Who’s gonna hit those high notes now? Auto-tune to the rescue! 🤖
When asked why he’s ditching FOREIGNER, the ripe old age of 64, Hansen said he wants to “do other things.” Oh, like what? Learn to play the banjo? Knit sweaters for his cats? 🧶 Maybe finally figure out how to write a song that isn’t a rehash of something from the ’70s? He claims he has “other fish to fry.” We’re guessing those fish are of the frozen variety, microwaved to perfection. 🐟
He wants to spend time with his “fairly new family.” Uh oh, did someone pull a Tommy Lee? 👶 Is this why he’s leaving? Is FOREIGNER about to be embroiled in a paternity scandal? The drama! 🍿 And he wants to complete some “cooking stuff.” Oh, lord, please no. The world does NOT need another celebrity cookbook. Especially not one filled with recipes for reheated leftovers. 🤢
FOREIGNER bassist Jeff Pilson (yes, there are still members of FOREIGNER who aren’t Kelly Hansen) told Entertainment Tonight that Hansen “having a life is really cool.” Translation: “Good riddance! We’re tired of his diva demands and his obsession with hairspray.” He added that the transition has been “emotional.” Probably because they’re realizing their paychecks are about to get a whole lot smaller. 💸
Hansen released a statement saying being the voice of FOREIGNER was “one of the greatest honors of my life.” Sure, Jan. It was probably just a steady paycheck and a chance to relive the glory days of a band he had nothing to do with creating. He claims Maldonado has the “voice, the energy, and the soul” to carry on the legacy. More like the voice of a chipmunk, the energy of a sloth, and the soul of a robot. 🐿️🦥🤖
Founding guitarist Mick Jones, the only original member left (and probably kept alive by a team of robots and caffeine) said he wanted to assemble the “finest group of musicians.” And he succeeded… in 1976. Now, it’s more like a collection of guys who needed a gig. Jones also said Jason Bonham encouraged him to create a “brand-new FOREIGNER.” Because nothing says “authentic” like a tribute band of your own band. 🤦♂️
Jones called Hansen “one of the best” frontmen and said he “breathed new life” into the songs. More like he exhaled the last remaining life force out of them. He wished Hansen “great happiness” and welcomed Maldonado. We’re guessing Maldonado’s first order of business will be to learn how to lip-sync properly. 🎤
Before joining FOREIGNER, Maldonado was the guitarist for TRAIN and worked with Lisa Marie Presley. So, he’s basically the Zelig of mediocre rock bands. He claims the music of FOREIGNER has been part of his life “for as long as I can remember.” Which probably means he heard “Hot Blooded” on the radio once. 📻
Hansen joined FOREIGNER in 2005 and “revitalized” the band’s live presence. By “revitalized,” they mean he kept the karaoke machine running. His “powerful vocals” and “magnetic stage presence” introduced FOREIGNER to a new generation. A new generation of people who probably thought they were watching a tribute band. 🤷♀️
The tour continues through 2025, featuring both Hansen and Maldonado in a “symbolic handoff.” A symbolic handoff of the microphone… and the shame. The transition coincides with the band’s 50th anniversary. 50 years of the same three songs played on repeat. 🥳
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
