The Pentagon has given the Department of Homeland Security permission to test a military-grade heat ray, and I’m reading this while sipping my coffee, thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
The heat ray, officially known as the Active Denial System, is a nonlethal weapon that shoots an invisible beam of electromagnetic waves that can reach a little more than half a mile away, according to the US military. I’m picturing a scene from a sci-fi movie, where some evil genius is trying to take over the world with their fancy heat ray. But no, this is real life, folks.
The energy beam causes a burning sensation when it comes into contact with human skin, which Pentagon officials have previously compared to feeling a blast of heat when opening a hot oven. Military officials have said the resulting “tingling effect” lasts between 10 and 15 minutes, but also generates “an instinctive and irresistible urge to run from the effect.” Bless their hearts, I guess they think this is a more humane way to deal with border crossings.
Deploying the heat ray at the US border would be an unprecedented step, even for the Trump administration, which has made border security and clamping down on immigration a top priority. The DHS request did not specify where or how the weapon would be tested and how it might eventually be used, but over the years, there have been internal discussions about potentially using it for crowd dispersal along the US-Mexico border. Because, you know, nothing says “crowd dispersal” like a giant heat ray.
US officials had also considered deploying the system during moments of domestic unrest, including at the end of President Donald Trump’s first term when protests erupted over the murder of George Floyd. Because, you know, the best way to deal with peaceful protests is to blast people with a heat ray. Somewhere in Atlanta, a producer thought this sounded like a great idea, I’m sure.
The memo authorizes the “temporary loan” of one ADS system for seven months, starting in September, and states that it “shall not be operated by DoW (Department of War) personnel,” appearing to absolve the Pentagon of any responsibility for how the directed-energy system may ultimately be deployed. You can’t make this stuff up, folks. It’s like they’re trying to create a real-life episode of “Star Trek” with this heat ray business.
It also states that DHS is solely responsible for “system employment, use and development of tactics, techniques and procedures.” At the end of the seven-month loan period, DHS can submit an additional request for further use of the Pentagon system in border operations based on need, a defense official told CNN. I’m sure this will all go smoothly and not at all lead to any human rights violations or international incidents.
“CBP is continually evaluating new technologies, especially those that enhance operational effectiveness and strengthen mission capabilities,” a Customs and Border Protection spokesperson said in a statement to CNN. Yeah, because nothing says “operational effectiveness” like a giant heat ray that can blast people from half a mile away.
The Pentagon referred CNN to DHS when asked for comment, which is just a fancy way of saying “we’re not talking about this anymore, please go away.” The US military briefly deployed the system to Afghanistan nearly two decades ago but ultimately declined to use it during active combat operations. Maybe they realized that blasting people with a heat ray wasn’t the most effective or humane way to deal with conflicts.
Customs and Border Protection officials have previously entertained the idea of using the system in areas where there’s a high concentration of illegal crossings. Border officials have occasionally discussed potentially using the system as a crowd dispersal tool, but it has never been deployed. Maybe they realized that using a heat ray to blast people who are just trying to cross the border isn’t the most effective or humane way to deal with the situation.
In conclusion, the US government is considering using a military-grade heat ray to blast people who are trying to cross the border, and I’m just sitting here sipping my coffee, thinking, “What has the world come to?” It’s like they’re trying to create a real-life episode of “The Hunger Games” with this heat ray business. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this all plays out, but in the meantime, I’ll just be over here, shaking my head in amazement at the sheer absurdity of it all.
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
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