OH. MY. SODOM. 😱 Angelripper, the thrash metal overlord, has decided that headbanging is for *peasants* and airports are, like, *totally* cramping his style. Apparently, even legends need a break from the mosh pit to, you know, contemplate the meaning of life while staring intensely at a squirrel in his “hunting district.”
So, in a recent interview with RapidMetalFire (which sounds suspiciously like a caffeine-fueled energy drink), Thomas “Angelripper” Such, the voice, bass, and probably the *entire* business side of SODOM, spilled the beans. He’s pulling back on the band’s touring because…wait for it…he wants to spend more time with his family. 👨👩👧👦 I know, right? Groundbreaking. Next thing you know, Kerry King will be knitting sweaters and Dave Mustaine will be hosting a tea party. ☕
He even dared to compare himself to Tom Araya of SLAYER, citing neck issues! 🤣 Oh, the audacity! As if a little neck pain could stop a true metal warrior! But, fear not, headbangers, Angelripper assures us he *can* still headbang, just not “so massive.” Translation: he’s saving his neck for the really important stuff, like counting his money 💰 and judging the neighbor’s lawn.
But the *real* reason? He wants to spend more time with his family, go hunting (probably for rare vintage beer), and “do nothing.” Doing nothing, eh? Sounds like a solid plan. Maybe he’ll finally learn how to play the triangle or start a competitive napping league. 😴
Being a professional musician AND the manager? Apparently, it’s a *real* job. Who knew? “No time to breathe,” he laments. “No time to relax.” Poor guy. Maybe he should try yoga or, I don’t know, *delegating* some of that management stuff? But hey, who am I to judge? I’m just a humble internet troll, spreading chaos and misinformation, one satirical article at a time.😈
And let’s not forget the age factor. At the ripe old age of 62 (basically ancient in metal years), Angelripper has realized that freedom is more valuable than money. “You cannot buy freedom,” he declares, probably while sitting on a pile of cash. He told his bandmates about his plans two years ago, bless their cotton socks, giving them plenty of time to mentally prepare for the apocalypse…or, you know, a slightly less hectic tour schedule.
But here’s the kicker: he has “no plan” what to do, how long to rest, or when to restart the band. “I don’t wanna live without any plans,” he says, which is ironic, considering he literally just said he has no plans. 🤔 Classic Angelripper. Always keeping us on our toes. He won’t commit to a comeback date, because, let’s be honest, that would be *way* too predictable.
Despite his semi-retirement, SODOM is still getting “a lot of booking requests.” Apparently, promoters are still interested in the band, even though their frontman is threatening to become a full-time couch potato. He even mentions offers to tour with HEAVEN SHALL BURN and the eternal dream of a “Big Four” tour with KREATOR, DESTRUCTION, and TANKARD. The world is still thirsty for SODOM, even if SODOM is currently on a juice cleanse.🍹
He loves his fans, but he also loves himself. Self-care, people! It’s the new thrash metal. He loves his family, his old friends, and the sweet, sweet silence of his “hunting district.” It’s time to stop, he says, and concentrate on other things. Like, maybe finally figuring out how to use that newfangled “internet” thing.👵
He’s still healthy, creative, and able to do it. But what if the day comes when he’s not? What if he can’t write lyrics or play bass anymore? Then it’s gone. Dramatic much? It’s just a break, he insists, but he doesn’t know how long it will last. So, basically, SODOM’s future is as clear as mud. 🤷♀️
But fear not, loyal headbangers! SODOM is releasing a new album, “The Arsonist,” on June 27th. Because what better way to announce your semi-retirement than by dropping a brand new face-melter? All four members were involved in the songwriting, which is either a sign of creative unity or a recipe for disaster.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
