WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. “New data suggests setting down your phone during intercourse can positively impact your life, even if it’s just for a few thrusts,” said lead researcher Dr. Barry Vekic, explaining that all the short dopamine bursts people get from scrolling social media or playing games during coitus can permanently alter the joy receptors that are triggered when one’s genitals are being stimulated in real life. “Volunteers in the study who underwent a digital detox in favor of participating in sociable activities like eye contact and dirty talk during lovemaking reported feeling 75% more satisfied with their orgasms compared to those who remained on TikTok through the point of climax, clean-up, and beyond. We also found a much higher rate of general well-being and increased self-esteem among those who used the time they might have spent on their phones while fooling around more constructively, accomplishing tasks from their to-do list mid-bang instead of browsing.” Vekic added that before smartphones, the average adult spent only about one hour on their device while having sex per week, often opting for healthier cognitive processes like reading a book or crocheting a sweater while receiving oral, manual, vaginal, or anal pleasure from their intimate partner.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.