WNBA Legend Retires With Six Career Points
WASHINGTON, D.C. — WNBA legend Elena Delle Donne announced her retirement yesterday, the former MVP leaving after a decade-long career…
Month: April 2025
Trump Assures Pain From Tariffs Should Settle Down By His Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the nation anxious about the ramifications of widespread tariffs, President Trump assured Americans that everything would…
Man Gives Up Having Money In His 401k For Lent
SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man Thomas Woodward suddenly ramped up his Lenten observance this past week, completely giving up…
7 Facts To Comfort You While Watching The Market Crash
Watching your retirement account tumble as $10 trillion in market value evaporates can be a stressful experience. Here are seven…
Church Unsure Why Men Are Struggling Spiritually In Spite Of Quarterly Pancake Breakfast
BEND, OR — The leaders of River of Life Church were bewildered that the congregation’s men appeared to be struggling…
‘Is It Too Late To Ask What A Tariff Is?’ Trump Whispers To JD Vance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following another round of aggressive media questions about his reasoning behind implementing sweeping tariffs on foreign goods,…
Trump Tariffs Upend Global Economic Order
Read MoreThe OnionEconomists warn that, if left in place, Trump’s sweeping tariffs on U.S. trade partners will wreak havoc on…
Pastor Rescinds Call To ‘Make A Joyful Noise’ After Hearing Tammy
TULSA, OK — Last Sunday morning’s service at Church of the Promise was briefly disrupted when Pastor John Weber unexpectedly…
Parents Gently Explain To Child That Their Money In Heaven Now
Read MoreThe OnionHUNTSVILLE, AL—In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far…
Man Worried About Tariffs Glad He Just Bought New Underwear So He Doesn’t Need To Worry About That For Another 15 Years
Rancho Cucamonga, CA — A man who admitted being very concerned about the effect increased tariffs will have on the…