How to Adult: A Hilariously Inaccurate Guide to Pretending You Know What You’re Doing (Spoiler Alert: You Don’t) 😂🤷♀️🔥
Oh, HONEY, A24 just dropped a trailer for Ari Aster’s “Eddington,” and it’s like, SO deep and meaningful. I mean,…
Day: April 22, 2025
After Food Dye Ban, Fruity Pebbles To Be Changed To Whitey Pebbles
U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands…
So, Head from Korn wants the youths to ditch the mosh pit for a one-on-one with JC himself 🤘😂🙏?
Oh sweet baby Jesus, another washed-up rockstar finds religion! 🙄 Brian “Head” Welch, formerly of the oh-so-edgy KORN, sat down…
Democrats Begin Chugging Artificial Food Dyes To Protest RFK
U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in…
Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid
Read MoreThe OnionWhite House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by…
God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope
Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our…
Helmet’s Page Hamilton Thinks You’re a Moron If You Think “Betty” Is Their Best Album 😂🤣🙄
So, Page Hamilton, bless his heart 🙄, is STILL yapping about “Betty.” Apparently, some South American folks are gonna get…
For First Time In History, Supreme Court Has 5 Female Justices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the…
Leif Edling Dangles Candlemass Reunion Carrot With Messiah, Then Snatches It Away Like a Troll With a God Complex 😈
OMG! 😱 Leif Edling, the puppet master 🪖 behind CANDLEMASS, just dropped a bombshell 💣: Messiah Marcolin is back for…
Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already
Read MoreThe OnionWORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer…