Bryan Adams, bless his perpetually-youthful-looking heart (or is it just good Photoshop?), is unleashing another sonic assault on the world with his new album, *Roll With The Punches*. Because apparently, he hasn’t punched us enough already with *Summer of ’69* playing on repeat in every supermarket since, well, 1969. 🙄 This latest masterpiece will be gracing our ears via his very own “Bad Records” label. One can only assume the name is a self-deprecating joke… or is it a prophecy? 🤔
And because one can’t simply *announce* an album without immediately subjecting the masses to a new single, Adams has dropped *Never Ever Let You Go*. It’s so original, I almost didn’t recognize it as a Bryan Adams song! (Just kidding, it sounds exactly like every other Bryan Adams song.) The video features Elizabeth Hurley, presumably because someone told him that nostalgia sells. I wonder if she got paid in exposure…to more Bryan Adams music? 😬
This track, the *third* lifted from the album (already?! Slow down, buddy!), follows the groundbreaking success of *Make Up Your Mind*. I’m sure that title isn’t at all autobiographical when it comes to deciding which tired rock cliché to recycle next. ♻️ And of course, there’s the “high-octane” title track. “High-octane” is what they call prune juice these days, right?
*Roll With The Punches* is Adams’ *seventeenth* studio album. SEVENTEENTH! At this point, he’s less a musician and more a one-man nostalgia industry. It’s described as a “full-bodied record that punches high and swings low in a thrilling knockout listen.” Translation: it’s loud, then it’s quiet, then it’s loud again. Groundbreaking. 🥊 We are promised “powerful rock anthems” like *How’s That Working For Ya* (presumably about his tax returns) and *Be The Reason* (for what? Global warming?). And for the sensitive souls, there are “stirring ballads” like *Life Is Beautiful* (except when you’re listening to this album) and *Will We Ever Be Friends Again* (after you subject them to this album, probably not). 💔
Here’s the tracklist, prepare to be amazed by the originality:
- Roll With the Punches (because originality is dead)
- Make Up Your Mind (still undecided about the quality)
- Never Ever Let You Go (please let me go)
- A Little More Understanding (needed after hearing this)
- Life Is Beautiful (citation needed)
- Love Is Stronger Than Hate (except when listening to bad music)
- How’s That Working For Ya (ask your accountant)
- Two Arms To Hold You (from the boredom)
- Be The Reason (for earplugs)
- Will We Ever Be Friends Again (doubtful)
*Roll With The Punches* will be available in multiple formats because apparently, CDs and vinyl aren’t obsolete enough. There’s even a “special 2XCD edition with an acoustic bonus disc.” So you can experience the pain in *two* different ways! 😫 A Deluxe Boxset is also coming, because who *doesn’t* need more Bryan Adams merchandise cluttering up their lives? All this auditory bliss will be unleashed on August 29, 2025, so mark your calendars and prepare for the sonic apocalypse! 🗓️
If you simply can’t wait until August to experience the magic (or torture), you can catch Bryan on his *Roll With The Punches Tour*. The UK leg includes a whopping 12 shows, because apparently, the Brits haven’t suffered enough. 🇬🇧
Roll With The Punches UK & Ireland Tour (Prepare Your Ears):
- 08 May – Newcastle, Utilita Arena (Utilita? More like “Utili-terrible” amirite?)
- 09 May – Manchester, AO Arena (AO? As in, “Are you OK?” after this concert?)
- 10 May – Leeds, First Direct Arena (First Direct? More like First Distress)
- 11 May – Aberdeen, P&J Live (P&J? Probably Just Leave)
- 13 May – Glasgow, OVO Hydro (OVO? OverlyVerbose andOverdone)
- 15 May – London, The O2 (The O2? More like The Oh-No)
- 16 May – Liverpool, M&S Bank Arena (M&S? More Suffering)
- 17 May – Nottingham, Motor
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
