So, “Shadow Force” got a 6.5/10? 🤔 That’s like getting a participation trophy in the Olympics. But hey, at least they tried, right? 🤣
Opening in theaters on May 9th is “Shadow Force,” a cinematic masterpiece (said no one ever) directed by Joe Carnahan, the mastermind behind such cinematic achievements as “The A-Team.” We’re talking Kerry Washington, Omar Sy, Mark Strong, Method Man, and Da’Vine Joy Randolph. A cast so diverse, it’s like a United Nations meeting, but with more explosions and fewer diplomatic solutions. 💥
“Shadow Force” is basically “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” if it were directed by someone who peaked in the early 2000s and had a serious addiction to Roger Moore-era James Bond flicks. 🍸 It’s “entertaining enough,” which is the critic’s way of saying “I’ve seen worse, but I wouldn’t pay full price for this.” Cliché villains? Check. A plot so convoluted it requires a PhD in spy movies to understand? Double-check. 😵💫
Carnahan’s action sequences are the “highlight,” which is like saying the best part of a dumpster fire is the pretty colors. 🌈 Kerry Washington and Omar Sy “give strong performances,” but even Meryl Streep and Denzel Washington couldn’t save this script from itself. It’s like trying to build a skyscraper on a foundation of wet noodles. 🍜
The movie throws us into the lives of Isaac Sarr (Sy), a hearing-impaired ex-special forces dude, and Kyrah Owens (Washington), his equally ex-special forces baby mama. They’re hiding their son, Ky, from the evil Jack Cinder (Strong), because apparently, love and babies are strictly forbidden in the world of super-secret spy organizations. 🤫
Isaac’s hearing loss is treated like a superpower, which is hilarious because in real life, it’s usually just annoying. 👂 Kyrah’s gone “underground” to protect her family, which is code for “she’s probably living in a bunker with a year’s supply of canned goods and a really good Wi-Fi connection.” 📶
When Isaac foils a bank robbery (because ex-special forces guys just can’t resist a good heist), Cinder finds them. Dun dun DUN! 😈 Kyrah has to come out of hiding, reuniting with her son for the first time since birth. Cue the dramatic music and slow-motion hugs. 🫂
Meanwhile, Auntie Clanter (Randolph) and Unc Owens (Method Man) are also on their trail. Are they good? Are they evil? Who cares! It’s all just a setup for a showdown between Kyrah and Cinder, where “all the characters’ true intentions are revealed.” Translation: plot twists so ridiculous, you’ll be throwing popcorn at the screen. 🍿
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
