OMG! 😱🎸 Ryan Roxie, the guy who occasionally strums a guitar next to Alice Cooper, is back with a NEW SINGLE! 🤯 It’s called “Better Than You,” which is totally not passive-aggressive at all. 🙄 You know, because being in Alice Cooper’s shadow for decades wouldn’t possibly give anyone an inferiority complex. 🤣
And get this, the launch involved a “uniquely disturbing” interview. 🤖 Apparently, Roxie interviewed himself… or rather, an AI clone of himself did the dirty work. 🧠 Because nothing screams “rock and roll” like outsourcing your personality to a bunch of algorithms. 🤷♂️ I bet the AI even wrote the questions and answers. Groundbreaking! 🥇
According to the PR spiel, “Better Than You” tackles the digital age with “satirically biting lyrics.” 🤣 Satire? More like “I saw someone on Instagram living their best life, and now I’m jelly.” 😒 But hey, at least it’s guitar-driven! Because we all know that’s what really matters in 2024… a guitar. 🎸
Roxie, channeling his inner philosopher, says the song is about “doom scrolling.” 📱 “We scroll through the night, watching everyone else live their best lives, and we get hit with suspicion, FOMO, etc…” 😭 Yeah, because nothing says “rock star” like being addicted to social media and feeling inadequate. 🤳 But fear not! Roxie wants you to know that YOUR life might not be so bad after all! 😇 Maybe, just maybe, you’re “better off” than the people you’re stalking online. 🕵️♀️ Deep thoughts, dude. 🤯
Apparently, Roxie sees music as his therapy. 🧘♂️ “The good, the bad, the ugly — it’s all in there if you follow the lyrics,” he claims. 🤔 So, basically, it’s a musical diary entry set to power chords? 📒 He encourages everyone to pick up an instrument and write their own songs because “it’s cheaper than a therapist.” 💰 Yeah, because everyone has the talent and dedication to become a rock star. 🙄 Plus, who needs actual professional help when you can just scream your feelings into a microphone? 🎤
But wait, there’s more! 🎁 “Better Than You” is just the beginning of a grand release strategy for 2025 and 2026. 📅 Instead of a boring old album, Roxie is going with a “singles-first model,” just like THE BEATLES and THE ROLLING STONES! 👑 (Except, you know, without the talent, fame, or cultural impact.) 🤷♂️
“The plan is to release songs in small batches — giving each track its own moment,” Roxie explains. ⏳ “We spend so much time writing, rehearsing, and recording, why not let every song have its time in the sun?” 🌞 Because, let’s be real, nobody’s gonna listen to the whole album anyway. 💿 Better to drip-feed them mediocrity one song at a time. 💧 Then, after he has enough “moments,” he’ll slap them together as an album and “celebrate them all over again.” 🎉 Translation: he’ll try to squeeze a few more bucks out of his fans. 🤑
Roxie joined Alice’s band way back in 1996. 👴 He toured, wrote, and recorded with him for a decade, contributing to albums like “Fistful Of Alice” and “Dirty Diamonds.” 💎 (You probably haven’t heard of them.) 🤫 After a “several years absence,” he rejoined in 2012 for the “No More Mr Nice Guy” tour. 😇 Because, apparently, Alice couldn’t find anyone else willing to wear spandex and pretend to play guitar. 🤡
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
