Civilization is collapsing — not just in-game, but in the minds of our leaders. Civilization 7, the highly anticipated next entry in the iconic 4X strategy series, has officially faceplanted into a pool of bugs, disappointment, and pure existential confusion. Player numbers on Steam have dropped below 5,000, and only 48% of over 31,000 reviews are positive. Now, amid this digital disaster, Vice President JD Vance has spoken: “I didn’t understand anything in this game. Nothing made sense! How are people spending money and time on this?” And the kicker: “This game will not help us make America great again!” 🎮🤯🇺🇸
U.S. Vice President JD Vance Wants to Ban Civilization 7: “This Game Won’t Make America Great Again!”
According to insiders in the White House, Vance spent approximately 12 minutes in-game — 10 of which were used trying to rotate the camera, and the remaining two looking for a “win” button. After watching his civilization collapse in the Bronze Age while AI neighbors launched rockets into space, he hurled his mouse at the wall and called a press conference. Thus, the call for a national ban on Civ 7 was born. 🧠💥
“This isn’t learning, this isn’t simulation — it’s like a geography final written by a vegan with ADHD,” Vance reportedly said, mispronouncing “hexagon” while reading from a cue card. He later declared that strategy games should teach “real” values — like how to stockpile ammo, evade taxes, and worship Elon Musk in VR church.
Civilization 7: Game of the Year or Digital Torture Simulator?
While liberal coastal elites write Reddit guides titled “How to Defeat Gandhi on Deity,” real Americans are laughing — or crying. Civ 7 has managed to disappoint even the most loyal fans, many of whom have over 3,000 hours logged in Civ 6. The new interface looks like it was designed for an iPad by someone who hates you. The tutorials feel like they were written by ChatGPT with a grudge. The AI plays like a drunk ex-cop with a grudge — friendly one turn, nuking you the next.
Visually, it resembles a children’s board game colorized by a blindfolded intern. The sound design is so off it triggers flashbacks for former World of Warcraft raiders. One Steam reviewer confessed he spent 3 hours staring at the screen waiting for the next turn to load. And yes — it costs $70.
Among the most devastated: hardcore 4X fans — the bearded, bespectacled types who are 35 but look 60 and use the phrase “turn-based depth” in casual conversation. “We were betrayed. Eight years of waiting — for this?” wrote one user before rage-quitting to Stellaris like every other strategy snob when reality gets tough. 👴💻💔
Gamers vs. JD Vance: Who Wins This Idiot War?
The gaming community, naturally, erupted. Some started a campaign titled “Uninstall Civ 7 to Save Brain Cells,” while others launched a challenge: “Beat the Game Before JD Bans It.” The modding community took it further — replacing all world leaders in-game with JD Vance, who just screams “Make America Great Again” every turn.
Still, behind all the memes lies a terrifying truth: Civilization 7’s Steam score is now a national embarrassment. The game is so bafflingly bad, conspiracy theories are popping up. Was it sabotage? Is there a secret society of game designers, funded by Bill Gates and a barista from Brooklyn, plotting the downfall of Western strategy?
Reddit is melting. “We want games for normal people, not ADHD Excel simulators!” one post screams, upvoted into the heavens. Meanwhile, Civilization 6 is climbing back up the Steam charts — because when the new burns your eyes, the old becomes a classic. Like a dusty vinyl record… only with nukes and Gandhi flipping you off.
Is There Any Hope Left for Civ? Or Is This the End of Strategy Gaming as We Know It?
Some analysts are now calling Civ 7 the worst launch in strategy game history — even worse than SimCity (yes, that one). The average player is simply overwhelmed. In an age when most gamers have TikTok attention spans and need three energy drinks to focus on Minecraft, Civ 7 demands reading, thinking, and negotiation. Who the hell has time for that in 2025?
And then there’s JD Vance — a man who thinks “strategy” means ordering a double cheeseburger and a Diet Coke. His viral quote is now a meme, and the memes have become a coping mechanism. Civ 7 is spiraling, and unless Firaxis pulls off a miracle, the game might join the ranks of legendary failures — right next to Fallout 76 and Anthem.
The moral of this story? If you want your game to avoid becoming a political meme, don’t make it this complicated, don’t ship it broken, and for God’s sake, don’t let politicians play it.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
