Oh, sweet Neptune’s beard! 🧜♂️ Jerry Bruckheimer, bless his octogenarian heart, is apparently smoking something stronger than sea kelp and thinks a sequel to Crimson Tide is a GENIUS idea. 30 years, people! 30 YEARS! Has he been cryogenically frozen since then? Did someone forget to thaw him out until now? 🧊🕰️
The man, who probably thinks dial-up internet is still cutting-edge, told Variety that they have a “really good director and writer talking to the Navy right now about what’s going on under the water.” 🙄 Oh, I’m sure the Navy is just spilling all their top-secret, world-domination-via-submarine strategies to Hollywood. Because THAT makes sense. 🤦♀️
Bruckheimer, fresh from promoting his F1 movie with Brad Pitt (because, you know, submarines and race cars are basically the same thing 🏎️), reminisced about the original Crimson Tide on The Rich Eisen Show. The original, a nail-biting thriller about Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman having a nuclear-submarine-based hissy fit, was directed by Tony Scott and written by… well, basically everyone and their grandma, apparently.
Speaking of Denzel, the geriatric producer hinted that Denzel “Mr. Equalizer” Washington might reprise his role, but ONLY if the script is up to snuff. As if Denzel is just sitting around, twiddling his thumbs, waiting for Bruckheimer to grace him with a decent script. 🤣 A “source close to Washington” confirmed that any involvement is script-dependent. You don’t say? Groundbreaking news, folks! 📰
Sadly, Gene Hackman shuffled off this mortal coil earlier this year, so his character, Captain Frank Ramsey, won’t be back to shout at Denzel. Also deceased are director Tony Scott and writer Robert Towne, leaving Bruckheimer to lament, “I don’t know if I’ll ever replicate that kind of writing for a film.” Probably not, Jerry. Especially if you’re relying on the Navy for plot ideas. 🚢
He also had the audacity to mention Quentin Tarantino’s involvement in the original film’s writing. I’m pretty sure Quentin just stopped by the set one day, yelled some obscenities, and then went back to directing his own masterpieces. 🎬
And let’s not forget the revolving door of actors who were considered for the lead roles: Warren Beatty, Al Pacino, Tommy Lee Jones, Brad Pitt… It’s like they threw a dart at a list of every male actor in Hollywood! 🎯
Bruckheimer, clearly delusional, compared this potential train wreck to the 36-year gap between Top Gun and Top Gun: Maverick. As if those movies are in the same universe of quality. Top Gun is a masterpiece. This Crimson Tide sequel sounds like something a goldfish would write after a week-long bender. 🐟🍹 And, of course, he confirmed a third Top Gun is in development. Because why not milk that cash cow until it’s drier than the Sahara? 🐄🏜️
Disney, the studio behind this impending disaster, declined to comment. Probably because they’re too busy counting their billions from Marvel movies to care about Bruckheimer’s mid-life crisis. 💰
So, buckle up, folks! We’re in for a wild ride. A ride straight into the Mariana Trench of terrible movie ideas. 🕳️🌊 I, for one, will be stocking up on popcorn and snarky comments. This is going to be glorious.🍿😈
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
