LOS ANGELES (or maybe just Hell’s waiting room) — Ozzy Osbourne, legendary frontman, slurred speech pioneer, and the man who put the “bite” in bat, has officially checked out — and this time, for good.
Medical sources report his body finally caught up with the rest of his organs, which retired sometime around 1986. While the official cause of death hasn’t been revealed, fans suspect the batteries just ran out.
Ozzy, the metal icon behind Black Sabbath, inspired generations to wear black, smash guitars, and forget lyrics mid-show. He leaves behind a legacy of heavy riffs, mild demonic possession, and immortal quotes like, “What the f*** did I just say?”
Black Sabbath Officially Just Sabbath Now — Ozzy Steps Down as Head Demon
“We lost a legend,” said one fan while lighting incense in front of a shrine made of cassette tapes and beer cans. “Also lost 40% of my hearing—cheers, Ozzy.”
His funeral is expected to include a tribute from Satan himself, a hell-certified cover band, and a photo op with an urn shaped like a bat’s head. Farewell tour tickets already sold out. Age restriction: 666+.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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