Oh, look, another movie about a boxer! 🙄 Because we haven’t seen, like, a million of those already. This one’s called “The Cut,” which, let’s be honest, is probably a metaphor for how much of your precious time it’s going to slice away. Featuring Orlando Bloom, who, bless his heart, is trying to convince us he’s not just Legolas with gloves. Spoiler alert: he probably is.
So, the premise? Groundbreaking stuff here, folks. A boxer (Bloom, duh) experiences the ultimate humiliation: losing. 😭 Not just any loss, mind you, but a “career-ending” one. Because apparently, boxers can’t just, you know, take a break and maybe try knitting. No, it’s straight to the existential abyss for our Orlando.
Naturally, the only solution is to train for a comeback. Cue the Rocky montage, except instead of raw eggs, Bloom probably sips organic kale smoothies. 🥬 As he trains, obsession apparently “takes hold.” Oh no! Reality starts to “unravel.” Gasp! He might be spiraling into something “far more terrifying!” Double gasp!! Is it…is it early onset male pattern baldness? 👨🦲 The suspense is killing me.
Directed by some dude named Sean Ellis – never heard of him, but I’m sure he’s a genius – and written by Justin Bull (another mystery man), from a story by Mark Lane (still drawing blanks), this cinematic masterpiece also stars Caitríona Balfe, who is probably wondering how she ended up in this mess, and John Turturro, who hopefully got paid enough to justify his involvement. 💰
In UK & Irish Cinemas from September 5th. So, if you happen to be in the UK or Ireland, and you’re really, REALLY bored, maybe give it a watch. Or, you know, just rewatch “Rocky.” Or paint drying. It is your time; spend it how you want to spend it. ⏳
I am 100% sure that this movie will either be the best boxing film in cinema history, or so bad, it is good. There will be no in between. Let’s hope that the boxing scenes are realistic, and that there is no slow-motion, over-the-top drama 🎭.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
