Oh, look! Another movie where Colin Farrell mumbles his way through existential dread! 🙄 In “Ballad of a Small Player,” he’s Lord Doyle, which apparently means he’s really good at losing money in Macau casinos. I mean, who isn’t these days? 🤷♂️ He’s drowning in debt, probably from ordering too many overpriced cocktails🍹, when a mysterious casino employee, Dao Ming (Fala Chen), decides to throw him a lifeline. Because, you know, that’s what casino employees do – save degenerate gamblers. 🤔 I’m sure there’s absolutely no ulterior motive there. None at all. 😇
But wait, there’s more! Tilda Swinton, who apparently only accepts roles that involve looking like an otherworldly being👽, is Cynthia Blithe, a private investigator hunting Doyle down. What is he running from? Probably his crippling gambling addiction and the shame of losing all his money. 🤷♀️ Is it me, or does Tilda Swinton always look like she knows something we don’t? 👁️ Maybe she knows the winning lottery numbers. If so, spill the beans, Tilda! 🗣️
So, Doyle’s trying to “climb to salvation,” which probably involves more gambling, because that’s how salvation works, right? 🎰 And the “confines of reality start to close in.” Ooh, spooky! 👻 Maybe he’ll realize he’s trapped in a never-ending cycle of debt and despair! Or maybe he’ll just win big and everything will be fine! 🤑 (Spoiler alert: it won’t be fine).
This cinematic masterpiece is brought to you by Edward Berger, who previously inflicted “All Quiet On The Western Front” on us. 😴 I’m sure this one will be just as uplifting! 😂
Starring: Colin Farrell (mumbler extraordinaire), Fala Chen (the mysterious one), Deanie Ip (probably judging everyone), Alex Jennings (another guy), and Tilda Swinton (the alien). 👽
“Ballad of a Small Player” will be gracing select cinemas on October 15th, because who doesn’t love paying $20 to watch Colin Farrell be sad on a big screen? 😭 And then, just when you thought you’d escaped, it’ll be on Netflix on October 29th! 🗓️ So you can watch it in the comfort of your own home while simultaneously scrolling through your phone and wondering why you’re wasting your life. 📱
I’m sure this movie will be a profound exploration of the human condition, or it might be just another excuse for Colin Farrell to look brooding and drink heavily. Either way, I’m setting my expectations super low. 📉
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
