Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers

Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida’s Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on July 3. The Onion breaks down the statistics of the facility at the center of Republicans’ crackdown on illegal immigration. 
40,000: Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign

0

Applicants deemed unqualified for guard job

32

Times Stephen Miller has typed the name of the facility into Pornhub

7

Average age of detainee

100,000 V

Voltage of facility’s electric toilets

23

Times bloodthirsty ICE agents cheered an alligator on only to realize it was just a log

3

Average outfit changes per Kristi Noem photo op

40%

Reduction in activity of empathy-controlling orbitofrontal cortex necessary to stomach job as guard

2028

The year Democrats will claim they can’t shut it down

The post Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

   Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida’s Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on July 3. The Onion breaks down the statistics of the facility at the center of Republicans’ crackdown on illegal immigration. 40,000: Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign 0 Applicants deemed
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Finn

Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.

Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.

Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.