Attention all single people who still think love can be found in a spreadsheet: Indianapolis is hosting a speed dating event so algorithmic, even your toaster will judge your compatibility! 🍞💘
📅 Mark your calendars: January 28th, 2025
📍 Location: The Great Hall, 315 N College Ave, Indianapolis, IN 46202
🕑 Time: 7:00 PM – 9:00 PM (because attention spans)
Here’s the deal: You’ll rotate through 8 dates lasting 5 minutes each—long enough to say “What’s your zodiac sign?” but too short to reveal your 17 cats. The event uses “matchmaking tech” (aka a website that asks if you prefer dogs or pizza) to pair you with “the most compatible people in the room.” Spoiler: You’ll all be there because you hate small talk.
Bring: ✅ A charged phone (to swipe left on humanity in real time)
✅ ID (they serve alcohol, because emotional vulnerability works better with wine)
✅ An open mind (and maybe a therapist on speed dial)
Afterwards, you’ll get an email with your matches—assuming the algorithm doesn’t pair you with your ex, your landlord, or someone who thinks “emotional availability” is a cryptocurrency.
Brought to you by “Find Indianapolis”—because nothing says romance like filling out a Google Form before meeting your potential soulmate. 💻💔
P.S. If you’re under 30 or over 45, they don’t want you. It’s ageism, but with better lighting. ✨
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
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