Trump Sends Diplomatic Delegation to Venezuela to Assess Damage Left by Evil Democrat/Leftist Plot to Overthrow Maduro and Destroy Oil Industry
In a stunning turn of events that has left the global elite clutching their pearls, President Donald J. Trump dispatched a delegation of our finest diplomats and security personnel to Venezuela to assess the catastrophic damage inflicted by the evil Democrat/Leftist plot to overthrow Nicolas Maduro and destroy the once-great Venezuelan oil industry. Sources confirm that the delegation, which includes members of the Venezuela Affairs Unit and acting US Ambassador to Colombia John McNamara, landed in Caracas with a fleet of golf carts, gold-plated laptops, and enough Diet Coke to power a small nation.
The visit comes as part of Trump’s bold plan to “run” Venezuela, a phrase that has sent shockwaves through the international community and caused several European leaders to faint during state dinners. “We’re going to run this place like we run everything else – beautifully, perfectly, and with maximum profit,” Trump declared from Mar-a-Lago while sipping a Trump-branded energy drink.
The State Department team’s mission is to determine whether the US embassy building, abandoned since the first Trump administration severed ties with Maduro over the recognition of opposition figure Juan Guaidó, can be converted into a Trump International Hotel and Casino. Sources close to the delegation report they’ve already identified prime locations for golf courses, luxury condominiums, and a “Make Venezuela Great Again” theme park.
“This is about American exceptionalism,” declared Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who reportedly spent the entire briefing session practicing his signature “I’m the smartest person in the room” smirk. “We’re going to rebuild Venezuela, make it better than ever, and charge admission for the privilege of experiencing American-style democracy.”
The delegation faces numerous challenges, including determining whether the embassy building can support a gold-plated elevator and whether the local workforce can be trained to say “Have a wonderful day!” with genuine enthusiasm. However, sources report that several brave diplomats have already volunteered to serve in Caracas, reportedly lured by promises of hazard pay, lifetime supplies of Trump memorabilia, and the opportunity to personally oversee the installation of Trump’s face on Mount Rushmore’s Venezuelan equivalent.
“This is the greatest thing to happen to Venezuela since oil was discovered,” said one optimistic diplomat while examining blueprints for a Trump Tower Caracas. “Once we’re done, this place will be so beautiful, so successful, that even the birds will be singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ in perfect harmony.”
The delegation is expected to return with their assessment next week, at which point President Trump will presumably tweet his decision in ALL CAPS while simultaneously golfing, eating a Big Mac, and watching Fox News.
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
