Oh no! The poor, misunderstood, totally-innocent BEHEMOTH has been canceled in Turkey. The horror! The tragedy! The absolute injustice of a metal band being accused of…wait for it…promoting Satanism. How dare those Turkish authorities suggest that a band whose entire aesthetic revolves around upside-down crosses, goat heads, and lyrics about blasphemy might be, you know, slightly satanic?
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely nobody could have predicted, the BeÅŸiktaÅŸ District Governor’s Office decided that maybe, just maybe, having a band called BEHEMOTH (named after a biblical demon, by the way) perform might not align with “societal values.” What a wild concept! Who would have thought that in a predominantly Muslim country, authorities might be hesitant to host a concert by musicians who literally have “satanic propaganda” accusations thrown at them like confetti?
But fear not, dear metalheads! BEHEMOTH is here to remind us all that this is just another example of “ideology being used to suppress artistic expression.” Yes, because when I think of oppressive regimes crushing free speech, I immediately think of…extreme metal bands. Move over, journalists and activists! There’s a new victim in town, and they’re wearing corpsepaint.
The band’s statement is a masterpiece of performative victimhood, lamenting how they “exhausted every possible avenue” and “engaged in extensive discussions” to overturn the decision. I can only imagine those intense negotiations:
BEHEMOTH: “Please let us play. We promise our inverted crosses are just ironic.”
Turkish Authorities: “No.”
BEHEMOTH: “But…artistic expression?”
Turkish Authorities: “No.”
BEHEMOTH: “Satanic propaganda is just a stereotype!”
Turkish Authorities: “Still no.”
It’s almost as if the authorities in Turkey are more concerned about actual religious sensitivities than whether Nergal can tear up another Bible on stage. The audacity!
And let’s talk about the pro-government broadcaster who dared to suggest that maybe, just maybe, bands promoting Satanism and “stealing the faith of young people” might be problematic. How dare they? Everyone knows that Satanism is just a misunderstood philosophy about…uh…free thinking? Rebellion? Honestly, who cares! It’s just music, bro. Lighten up!
The broadcaster even had the nerve to point out that SLAUGHTER TO PREVAIL (what a pleasant, family-friendly name) was also banned in Russia. You know, Russia – that country famous for its progressive stance on artistic freedom and human rights. If Russia banned them, they must be REALLY dangerous. Like, “might actually corrupt the youth” dangerous, not just “my mom said this music is the devil” dangerous.
But wait, there’s more! BEHEMOTH isn’t just any band – they’re a band with a history of legal troubles related to…wait for it…offending religious feelings! In 2021, Nergal was fined for posting a picture of someone stepping on the Virgin Mary. How controversial! What’s next, drawing mustaches on the Mona Lisa? The horror!
And let’s not forget the classic 2007 incident where Nergal called the Catholic Church “the most murderous cult on the planet” and tore up a Bible while calling it “a book of lies.” But sure, tell me more about how this is all just artistic expression and not deliberately provocative blasphemy. I’m listening with bated breath.
The irony here is so thick you could spread it on toast. BEHEMOTH claims to stand for “creative independence and the right of artists to express themselves without censorship,” but their entire shtick is literally built around being as offensive and blasphemous as possible. It’s like a professional wrestler complaining that people think wrestling is fake – buddy, that’s the whole point!
So here we are, mourning the tragic cancellation of BEHEMOTH‘s Turkish shows – shows that would have featured all the usual suspects: inverted crosses, blasphemous imagery, anti-religious rhetoric, and probably at least one Bible-tearing incident. The real victims here are clearly the Turkish authorities, who had to miss out on all that sweet, sweet ticket revenue from fans eager to watch a band perform songs with titles like “Ov My Herculean Exile” and “Bartzabel.”
But don’t worry, metal community. This is just another battle in the eternal war between artistic freedom and…basic human decency? Common sense? The right of countries to maintain their cultural and religious values without having “Satanic propaganda” shoved in their faces? Whatever side you’re on, just remember: the real evil here isn’t Satanism or blasphemy – it’s the oppressive regime that won’t let BEHEMOTH perform their hits about demonic possession and religious mockery.
The struggle continues. 🤘😈
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
