Well, well, well… look who’s finally decided to spill the beans—Nick Barker, the legendary blast-beat machine himself, is writing an autobiography. Because apparently, after decades of terrorizing eardrums with CRADLE OF FILTH, DIMMU BORGIR, and a laundry list of other bands that sound like they were named during a Dungeons & Dragons session, he’s got some stories to tell. And not just any stories—stories about the glorious, chaotic, and occasionally illegal adventures of a man who’s spent more time behind a drum kit than most people have spent in therapy.
In a recent interview with the *Pod Scum* podcast (yes, that’s a real thing, and no, we’re not making fun of it… okay, maybe a little), Barker confirmed he’s knee-deep in the writing process. “I’m in the middle of doing it right now,” he said, probably while sipping tea and reminiscing about the good old days of corpse paint and questionable life choices. “I’m just in the CRADLE years right now.” Ah, yes, the CRADLE years—a time when black metal was less about Spotify streams and more about burning churches and making your mom question her parenting skills.
Barker also revealed that writing the book has been “very cathartic,” which is ironic because most of his fans probably associate catharsis with the moment they finally understand what the hell he’s blasting at 300 BPM. He reminisced about his early days in the U.K. thrash scene, playing with bands like RE-ANIMATOR and XENTRIX, and how his musical tastes evolved from “generic death metal” (NAPALM DEATH meets OBITUARY meets ENTOMBED, in case you were wondering) to the more refined art of making people question their life choices with CRADLE OF FILTH.
But wait, there’s more! Barker also gave an update on his health, and spoiler alert: it’s not great. He’s battling stage five chronic kidney disease, which is about as fun as it sounds. “I’m on the slimming pen, the Mounjaro, to help me get the weight off because I’m a foodie,” he explained. Because nothing says “rock star” like injecting yourself with weight-loss medication while waiting for a kidney transplant. He’s also on the transplant list, which means he’s essentially playing the world’s most morbid game of musical chairs. “I’m just waiting for someone to die so I can get the kidney,” he said, probably with the same enthusiasm most people reserve for waiting in line at the DMV.
Despite all this, Barker remains optimistic and incredibly grateful for the support he’s received from fans and the metal community. His GoFundMe has raised over $95,000, which is both heartwarming and a stark reminder that healthcare in some countries is basically a glorified Kickstarter campaign. “I owe so much to those people,” he said, probably while mentally planning his triumphant return to the stage, kidney and all.
As for the book itself, Barker promises it won’t just be another “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” memoir. No, no, this one will be different. It’ll be about the bands, the time periods, the money he made (and lost), and of course, the sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Because let’s be real, you can’t write an autobiography about being a metal drummer without mentioning at least one wild night involving a hotel room, a goat’s head, and a very confused bellhop.
So, there you have it, folks. Nick Barker, the man who’s spent decades making your ears bleed, is now making your heart swell with his story. And if you’re lucky, maybe he’ll even dedicate a chapter to the time he accidentally set his drum kit on fire during a DIMMU BORGIR show. Because let’s face it, that’s the kind of literary gold we’re all here for. 🤘🔥
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
