Well, folks, I almost spilled my coffee reading about Mitch McConnell’s latest health update. According to CNN, the Republican Senator from Kentucky announced that he had a fall last month, which led to a hospitalization. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of clumsy moments, but this guy’s got some serious explanatory skills – weeks of speculation and he finally comes clean. Bless their hearts, I’m just glad he’s okay.
So, McConnell says he didn’t break any bones, didn’t have a heart attack or a stroke, and doesn’t have any tumors or hemorrhages. That’s a whole lot of “didn’ts” if you ask me. But, he did have a mild case of pneumonia, which is no joke. I’m pretty sure I’d want to be in a hospital bed with a never-ending supply of coffee and Netflix if I had pneumonia.
Apparently, McConnell’s been receiving excellent care over the past several weeks, and he’s now moved to a rehabilitation center to regain his strength. You can’t make this stuff up – the guy’s got more lives than a cat. I mean, I’m rooting for him, of course, but I’m also curious to know what exactly happened. Did he trip on a rug? Slip on a banana peel? The world may never know.
McConnell also mentioned that he won’t be able to return to the Senate floor to vote quite yet, but he’s been working closely with legislative staff in the meantime. Somewhere in Atlanta, a producer thought this sounded terrifying, so they added a “developing story” tag to the end of the article. I’m sure it’s all very serious, but I’m just waiting for the next update – maybe a dramatic reading of his hospital menu or a photo shoot with his physical therapist.
In all seriousness, though, it’s good to hear that McConnell is on the mend. As he continues to recover, I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about his progress. And who knows, maybe he’ll even make a dramatic return to the Senate floor, complete with a walker and a witty remark. Until then, I’ll just be over here, sipping my coffee and waiting for the next update. And hopefully, McConnell will be back to his old self soon, giving speeches and voting on bills – and maybe even slipping on a few more banana peels along the way.
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
