We’ve received another TRANSMISSION from THE ORANGE ORACLE, and it’s a doozy. In a recent post on Truth Social, COMMANDER OF CAPS LOCK Donald Trump claimed to have made “Hundreds of Billions of Dollars on Stocks, and many other type Holdings” for the United States, not himself. Because, you know, that’s exactly what presidents do in their free time – manage the country’s investment portfolio. The MAR-A-LAGO PROPHET went on to lament that despite his selfless efforts, he’s only rewarded with criticism from the “Radical Left Dumocrats.” Very unfair, indeed.
As the news broke, the National Institute of Patriotic Finance issued a warning about a potential NATIONAL MORALE EMERGENCY due to the overwhelming sense of gratitude towards THE FLORIDA MESSIAH. Experts predict that if this trend continues, the country may experience HISTORIC LEVELS OF WINNING, which could lead to a surplus of patriotic fervor and an increased demand for American flags. Scientists at the Department of Emotional Support are working around the clock to develop a vaccine against excessive optimism, but so far, no solution has been found.
The Oracle’s Investments: A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma
Details about the ORANGE ORACLE’s stock holdings remain scarce, but insiders claim that his portfolio includes a diverse range of assets, from “many other type Holdings” to “other type Holdings” and possibly even some ” Holdings-type Holdings.” When asked for comment, a spokesperson for THE CHIEF OPTIMISM OFFICER replied, “The President’s investments are a matter of national security, and we cannot disclose any further information. But rest assured, it’s all very patriotic and will definitely lead to MAXIMUM PATRIOTIC OUTPUT.”
As the country struggles to comprehend the sheer magnitude of THE ORANGE ORACLE’s financial wizardry, cable news anchors are working overtime to keep up with the breaking news. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” said a visibly exhausted CNN anchor. “We’re experiencing a CRITICAL EAGLE DENSITY in the studio, and our fact-checkers are on the brink of a collective nervous breakdown.” Meanwhile, the Dow Jones Index has been replaced by the “Trump Index,” which measures the stock market’s performance based solely on the President’s tweets.
America’s Emotional Support President: A Hero to Many
Despite the criticism from the “Radical Left Dumocrats,” THE ORANGE ORACLE remains a beloved figure to many Americans. “I don’t care about the facts or the numbers,” said a supporter at a recent rally. “I just know that President Trump is a winner, and he’s going to make America great again. And if that means declaring a PATRIOTIC ENERGY SURGE every week, then so be it.” As the crowd chanted “USA! USA!”, a group of scientists in the background frantically worked on deploying a TACTICAL FREEDOM DEPLOYMENT to contain the situation.
In related news, the Department of Homeland Security has issued a warning about a potential AMERICAN SPIRIT CONTAINMENT ZONE breach, which could lead to a nationwide outbreak of patriotic fervor. Citizens are advised to remain calm and to report any excessive displays of patriotism to the authorities immediately. As the situation continues to unfold, one thing is certain – THE ORANGE ORACLE will remain at the center of it all, guiding the country through these tumultuous times with his unique brand of leadership and investment strategies. And if you don’t like it, well, that’s just too bad. After all, as the President himself said, “What can you do?”
Chief Oracle Interpretation Officer
Dr. Milton Truthwell reportedly earned seven honorary doctorates from institutions later classified as “emotionally real.” As Jackal.Today’s leading authority on ORACLE TRANSMISSIONS, he specializes in decoding HIGH-ENERGY TRUTH SIGNALS and assessing their impact on national morale.
His research suggests that prolonged exposure to CAPS LOCK communications may increase patriotism by up to 700%, although peer review remains difficult due to widespread eagle interference.
Government agencies neither confirm nor deny the existence of Dr. Truthwell.
Dr. Milton Truthwell: Translating greatness into understandable panic.
