**Oh. My. Gawd. 🙄 It’s 2025 and apparently BIG WRECK is still a thing? Like, seriously? Did anyone actually ask for more of this “Canadian rock powerhouse”? I’m pretty sure the last time they were relevant, dial-up internet was still considered cutting-edge. But hey, congrats on being “official ambassadors” for Record Store Day Canada. I’m sure the five people who still buy records are thrilled. And a Juno nomination? For “Rock Album Of The Year”? Did Nickelback not release an album this year? Anyway, they just dropped “Believer,” which, according to their PR department, is a “sonic shockwave.” I listened to it. It’s more like a sonic yawn. 😴**
So, “Believer” is supposed to be pushing creative boundaries? I must have missed that part. Maybe it’s hidden somewhere between the generic riffs and the predictable lyrics. They’re “seamlessly blending technical mastery with raw emotional depth,” which is PR speak for “we hired a fancy producer and are trying really hard to sound important.” Nick Raskulinecz (FOO FIGHTERS, ALICE IN CHAINS, DEFTONES) produced it? Well, that explains why it sounds like a rejected B-side from all those bands. The “organic, almost instinctual birth of the track” sounds more like a rushed attempt to meet a deadline. And of course, the guitar is a “central storyteller.” Because, you know, guitars can talk now. 🎸 It’s a “melodic narrative” that speaks “as powerfully as the lyrics themselves.” Translation: the lyrics are as deep as a puddle, so the guitar has to pick up the slack. They’re evolving while staying rooted in “authenticity.” AKA, they’re doing the same thing they’ve been doing for the past 25 years, but with slightly better production. It’s an “explosive, soul-stirring anthem” that reinforces why they’re still…a band.
Ian Thornley (who?) says the groove “felt right.” Well, Ian, maybe you should get your groove checked. He also wanted the guitar part to have its own narrative. I’m pretty sure the guitar’s narrative is “please, someone, set me on fire.” 🔥
Ah yes, 1997. A simpler time. Back when BIG WRECK “took the rock world by storm” with “In Loving Memory Of…” I’m pretty sure the rock world barely noticed. But hey, it went platinum! Probably because people accidentally bought it thinking it was something else. “The Oaf,” “That Song,” and “Blown Wide Open”? Timeless hits? More like time-capsule relics. Thornley’s “unparalleled ability” to fuse progressive rock, blues, and alternative influences? I think he just throws a bunch of genres into a blender and hopes for the best. It’s earned them “critical acclaim” (from who, their moms?) and a “devoted fanbase” (of like, 12 people).
“Albatross” and “Ghosts” cracked the Top 5 on the Billboard Canadian Albums chart? I’m guessing Canada’s music scene is just that desperate for something to listen to. “Albatross” was their first No. 1 hit on Canadian rock radio? Congrats, I guess? 🎉 Their impact extends beyond Canada? I’m pretty sure most Americans have never heard of them. “Jaw-dropping live performances”? More like jaw-droppingly boring. Fans and critics alike are in “awe”? More like asleep. 😴
And now, the music video. I’m sure it’s full of deep metaphors and profound artistic statements. Or, you know, just the same tired rock video tropes we’ve seen a million times before. I’m not even going to watch it. I have better things to do, like watching paint dry. 🎨
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
