OMG! 😱 FOO FIGHTERS, those geriatric rockers, are apparently still a thing! To celebrate 30 whole years of… mediocrity, they’ve graced us with “Today’s Song,” which, let’s be honest, probably sounds exactly like every other FOO FIGHTERS song ever. It’s available on “digital platforms,” because who even buys music anymore? 👴👵
This “indelible anthem” (their words, not mine—I’d call it forgettable) apparently has “unbridled optimism.” Translation: It’s probably annoyingly upbeat. The lyrics are about “personal evolution,” which is rich coming from a band that’s been playing the same three chords for three decades. And it’s a whole three minutes and fifteen seconds long! 😴 An “epic”? More like an “epidemic” of boredom!
Dave Grohl, bless his heart, wrote a note to the “fans” (do those still exist?). He talks about “moments of unbridled joy” and “devastating heartbreak.” Did he run out of avocado toast at Whole Foods? 💔 The drama! He also mentions “mending broken bones and broken hearts.” Did someone trip over a guitar cable? Did they run out of hair dye? In life, you can’t go it alone, he says. Unless you’re Dave Grohl, apparently, and you’re just churning out the same old stuff. 🙄
He also thanks William Goldsmith, Franz Stahl, and Josh Freese. Who? Oh, right, the guys who couldn’t handle the Grohl-ness. And then, of course, there’s Taylor. “Your name is spoken every day…” Cue the waterworks. 😭 “Sometimes with tears, sometimes with a smile…” Mostly with eye rolls, if we’re being honest. “FOO FIGHTERS will forever include Taylor Hawkins in every note…” So, like, are they going to start sampling his farts or something? 💨
The band took some time off because Grohl had a “child out of wedlock.” Scandalous! 🍼 Did he write a song about it? Probably. Will it be another generic rock anthem? Definitely.
Oh, and Josh Freese got fired! 🤣 Apparently, even *he* couldn’t handle the FOO FIGHTERS anymore. No replacement has been named. Maybe they’ll just use a drum machine? 🤖
They’re going on tour, because of course they are. Jakarta, Singapore, Tokyo, Osaka, Mexico City… Sounds thrilling. ✈️ If you’re into that sort of thing, I guess. I’ll be at home, listening to something… anything… else. 🎶
Here are the tour dates, in case you’re a glutton for punishment:
Oct. 02 – Jakarta, ID – Carnaval Ancol
Oct. 04 – Singapore, SG – F1
Oct. 07 – Tokyo, JP – Saitama Super Arena
Oct. 10 – Osaka, JP – Glion Arena Kobe
Nov. 14 – Mexico City, MX – Corona Capital
Here is a new video, if you really want to torture yourself. 💀
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
