The iconic Hollywood studio Lionsgate, following a disastrous run of box office flops in 2024, including such «masterpieces» as «The Crow», «Borderlands», «Megalopolis», «Never Let Go», and «Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare», has reportedly been sold to an unnamed Bollywood studio. According to insiders, the deal was orchestrated by a Mumbai-based investor who has already acquired a significant stake in the struggling company. The purchase marks a turning point for Lionsgate, with all signs pointing toward a dramatic reinvention of its films in true Bollywood style.
In a move designed to maximize SEO-friendly buzz and make every Hollywood purist cry, future Lionsgate projects will incorporate classic Bollywood elements. Expect dazzling dance numbers, tearjerker love stories, and protagonists who can sing their way out of anything – even a Saw trap. Yes, you heard it right: Saw XI’s John Kramer will now wear bright red traditional attire and use his most terrifying weapon yet – a never-ending tape recorder blasting Bollywood’s greatest hits. The studio’s upcoming projects, including the highly anticipated Michael Jackson biopic, «Flight Risk», and «Now You See Me 3», are rumored to be steeped in Indian flair.
«Michael Jackson: The Biopic» promises to be a moonwalking masterpiece like no other. Set to premiere in October 2025, the film will star a prominent Indian actor as Jackson, complete with a spectacularly exaggerated Indian accent. Instead of his iconic hits, expect remixed Bollywood versions featuring tabla beats and sitar solos. Reports suggest a pivotal scene where Jackson’s «Thriller» dance-off turns into a wedding baraat, complete with elephants and choreographed extras. «It’s the cultural crossover nobody asked for,» said one disheartened fan, while another cheered, «This is what inclusivity looks like!»
Other Lionsgate projects will follow suit. «Now You See Me 3» will swap out its flashy Las Vegas magic tricks for a high-stakes heist during an Indian wedding, with magicians who also happen to be expert bhangra dancers. In «Saw XI», victims will need to escape by correctly identifying Bollywood songs – fail, and they’re doomed to watch every Salman Khan movie on loop. Meanwhile, «Den of Thieves 2» will now feature an epic Holi festival showdown, with the thieves battling the police in a colorful cloud of powder and emotions.
Critics, as expected, are already having a field day. «What’s next? James Bond sipping chai instead of a martini?» quipped one Twitter user. Hollywood traditionalists are wringing their hands over what they see as the «Bollywoodification» of beloved franchises, while Bollywood fans are celebrating the globalization of their favorite genre. «If Hollywood wants to survive, it’s time for some masala,» remarked one industry insider.
Lionsgate’s decision to split into two divisions earlier this year was a calculated move to increase its market cap and pave the way for a sale. With a Bollywood studio taking the reins, Lionsgate’s new trajectory could represent a seismic shift in global cinema. For decades, Hollywood dominated the global film industry, but Bollywood’s colorful charm and emotional resonance are now set to shake things up. Prepare for a new era where Hollywood blockbusters come with an intermission, melodrama, and at least three massive dance numbers.
Fans are encouraged to brace themselves for an unprecedented crossover of cultures. While some are lamenting the loss of Hollywood’s «serious» filmmaking, others are excited about the potential for creativity and fusion. Will Lionsgate’s Bollywood transformation save it from obscurity? Or will it just be the biggest dance-off disaster since Pierce Brosnan sang in «Mamma Mia»? Only time will tell.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
