Court Rules Elephants Can’t Sue To Leave Zoo
Read MoreThe OnionThe Colorado Supreme Court unanimously ruled that five elderly elephants don’t have legal standing to sue to leave…
Day: January 31, 2025
10 Biblical Disasters That Were Probably Caused By DEI
Did you know that almost everything bad that ever happened in the Bible was likely caused by DEI? That’s right.…
Karla Sofía Gascón Apologizes After ‘Emilia Pérez’ Resurfaces
Read MoreThe OnionALCOBENDAS, SPAIN—Responding to backlash after the resurfacing of a 2024 film in which she appeared, Karla Sofía Gascón…
Flu Vaccines: Myth Vs. Fact
Read MoreThe OnionDespite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American…
Adam Seen Wearing ‘THERE IS ONLY ONE GENDER’ Shirt In Garden Of Eden
EDEN — According to reports, tensions escalated in the Garden this week after Adam, the world’s only man, was seen…
Area Man Forges Ahead In Pursuit Of Numbness With Third Slice Of Pie
Read MoreThe OnionSCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered…
Total Loser Still Has One Of Those Cars That Starts With A Key
SAINT PAUL, MN — The community expressed disdain after one local loser was found to still have one of those…
Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit appeared first on The…
Preliminary Report Confirms Tragedy Was The Fault Of Whichever Political Party You Don’t Like
U.S. — With investigators still looking into the cause of the latest deadly catastrophe, a preliminary report confirmed that the…
Nation Vies For Approval Of Cool Dog
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area…