In Effort To Boost Ticket Sales, Disney Edits Rachel Zegler Out Of ‘Snow White’
BURBANK, CA — In an effort to boost ticket sales for what it suspected could be a disappointing opening, Disney…
Day: March 13, 2025
Theologians Agree That Antichrist Will Most Likely Be A Podcaster
CHICAGO, IL — Following extensive study, a group of prominent theologians agreed that the Antichrist would most likely be a…
CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates
Read MoreThe OnionThe post CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates appeared first…
Track & Field Runner Accidentally Trips, Punches, Attacks Rival With A Sword
LYNCHBURG, VA — This week’s championship 4×200-meter relay event ended in disaster when a runner accidentally, tripped, punched, and attacked…
Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new…
Man Leading Bible Study Taken Up Into Heaven After Dropping Greek Word
BLUE SPRINGS, MO — Members of a church small group were witness to a miraculous event this week, as a…
Man Rents Steamroller To Squeeze One Last Usable Amount Of Toothpaste From Tube
SEWARD, NE — A local man set an impressive new standard for frugality this week by renting a professional-grade steamroller…
Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor’s Residence
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location,…
Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9
Read MoreThe OnionJACKSON, MS—Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nation’s egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that…
🚨Scandal Surrounding GTA 5 Enhanced: Are Real Los Angeles Thugs Visiting Those Who Leave Negative Reviews?💪
The release of GTA 5 Enhanced on March 4th has sparked a whirlwind of emotions among gamers. Out of 19,772…