Nation Uses Extra Hour Of Daylight To Sun Perineums Even Harder
Read MoreThe OnionCLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the…
Month: March 2025
Tucker Interviews Saruman To Talk About Rohan’s Warmongering
ISENGARD — In his latest effort to challenge mainstream narratives by sitting down with controversial world leaders, Tucker Carlson traveled…
Man Who Thought He Grew Up Poor Suddenly Realizes His Dad Was Just A Cheapskate
NICEVILLE, FL — A local man was confronted with an uncomfortable reality today, as after spending his entire life thinking…
DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country’s safety and cultural unity, the U.S.…
Disgruntled Churchgoers Hold Up Protest Paddles
BLOOMINGTON, IN — The disaffected congregation of First Baptist Bloomingdale has decided to register their complaints silently by holding up…
🎤 R. Kelly Rocks the Charts from Behind Bars: ‘Cellblock Fantasies’ Hits No. 2 on Billboard! 🔥
In an exclusive interview from behind bars, R. Kelly revealed that his time in prison has been incredibly productive. “I…
Uh-Oh: WNBA Players Demand To Be Paid What They’re Worth And Now They Owe The NBA $400 Million
U.S. — Collective bargaining agreements for the WNBA took an unexpected turn as players demanded to be paid what they…
‘Ladies And Gentlemen, We Got Him’: RFK Jr. Announces Seal Team Six Has Neutralized The Kool-Aid Man
WASHINGTON, D.C. — HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that Seal Tim Six conducted a daring overnight raid and…
This International Women’s Day, The Babylon Bee Honors Eve’s Historic Choice To Plunge The World Into Sin
Happy International Women’s Day! Women have done many great things throughout the course of history. That’s why a day has…
Did You Know? You Can Watch The Entire LOTR Extended Edition While Waiting For Bathroom Air Dryer To Dry Your Hands
Helpful hint! Read MoreBabylon Bee FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as…