Move over, Rosie the Riveter! 🚀 There’s a new squad of empowered females in town, and they’re taking girl power to the goddamn cosmos – or at least, briefly skimming the edge of it. On Monday, a phallic-shaped rocket belonging to Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin (because subtlety is *so* last century) blasted off with a precious cargo of estrogen-infused celebrities, including pop princess Katy Perry and Bezos’ own arm candy, Lauren Sánchez. This groundbreaking mission, hailed as a triumph for feminism (and eyebrow-raising rocket design), proves once and for all that women can achieve anything… as long as their billionaire boyfriend foots the bill. 💅
This wasn’t just any space joyride; it was a carefully orchestrated PR stunt masquerading as a feminist victory lap. Months of hype led up to this momentous occasion, promising a dazzling display of scientific advancement and the indomitable human spirit. What we got instead was a cosmic-sized middle finger to actual scientific progress and a stark reminder that space exploration is now the exclusive playground of the rich and ridiculously out of touch. Forget NASA’s meticulous research and development; we’ve entered the era of space tourism, where the only qualification is a bulging bank account and a thirst for Instagrammable moments. Who needs to discover new galaxies when you can take a selfie with Earth in the background? #SpaceGoals #Blessed
Blue Origin, Bezos’ pet project and apparent successor to NASA (because government funding is for *losers*), has been making waves (or, more accurately, ripples) in the space race. Known for its… distinctive rocket design (we’re still talking about the penis thing), glacial pace of technological innovation (SpaceX is lapping them like it’s a middle school track meet), and penchant for celebrity-studded publicity stunts (William Shatner boldly went where many elderly men have gone before), Blue Origin is less about pushing scientific boundaries and more about stroking Bezos’ ego. And let’s not forget the cozy relationship between Bezos and the Trump administration. Remember that million-dollar “donation” to Trump’s inauguration? Or Bezos’ convenient intervention to prevent the *Washington Post* from endorsing Kamala Harris? It’s all just one big, happy, billionaire boys’ club. 💰
But back to the “feminist” space flight. Sánchez, the mastermind behind this estrogen-fueled escapade, has been crowing about the all-female crew as a win for womankind. Apparently, hitching your wagon to a mega-rich dude and riding his phallic rocket into near-space is the pinnacle of female achievement. Forget education, career aspirations, or fighting for actual equality; just snag a billionaire and your space dreams will come true! ✨
While the crew did include a couple of accomplished women (aerospace engineer Aisha Bowe and civil rights entrepreneur Amanda Nguyen), the pre-flight publicity focused less on their impressive credentials and more on their hair and makeup routines. Because what’s more important than advancing science and inspiring young girls? Lash extensions that can withstand zero gravity, obviously. In a truly enlightening interview with *Elle*, Katy Perry declared that “space is going to finally be glam.” She also promised to “put the ‘ass’ in astronaut,” because nothing says “female empowerment” like reducing women to their rear ends. 🍑
So, there you have it, folks. The future of feminism is here, and it’s brought to you by a billionaire’s space penis and a whole lot of mascara. Who needs equal pay or reproductive rights when you can have perfectly coiffed hair in zero gravity? 🤦♀️
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
