OMG! 😱 Your favorite band, TURNSTILE (you KNOW, the ones your little brother won’t stop playing?), just announced “Turnstile: Never Enough,” a *visual album* that’s premiering at…wait for it…TRIBECA FILM FESTIVAL 2025! 🤯 Directed by the band themselves, Brendan Yates and Pat McCrory (because who needs actual directors, amirite? 😂), this is apparently a “stirring counterpart” to their new LP, “Never Enough,” dropping June 6. Stirring? More like stirring up my lunch, probably. 🤢
Okay, so, they dropped a trailer. I watched it. It’s… well, it’s TURNSTILE. Lots of jumping, probably some moshing, and definitely some questionable fashion choices. 🤷♀️ But hey, if you’re into that sort of thing, good for you! 👍 Tickets for the Tribeca screenings are “coming soon,” so get ready to fight the hordes of hardcore fans who probably already camped out. 🏕️
Last month, they unleashed a double music video for “Seein’ Stars” / “Birds.” Double the music, double the headache, am I right? 🤕 Again, directed by Brendan and Pat. These guys are workaholics or control freaks? 🤔 “Seein’ Stars” apparently features vocals from BLOOD ORANGE’s Devonté Hynes and PARAMORE’s Hayley Williams. So, they’re branching out…or selling out? 💰 I can’t tell anymore.
Before that, in April, they announced “Never Enough” (the album, not just the feeling you get after listening to their music for an hour) and dropped the title track with YET ANOTHER music video directed by Yates and McCrory. Seriously, guys, hire a professional! 🙄 This is their first full-length album in FOUR YEARS! What were they doing, learning how to play their instruments properly? 😂 You can pre-order it now, with “limited-edition vinyl color variants” available. Because nothing screams “hardcore” like a pastel pink record. 💅
Apparently, they recorded “Never Enough” in Los Angeles and Baltimore. So, coast to coast mediocrity? 🤣 Produced by Brendan Yates himself (because who needs a REAL producer, right?), it’s described as an “expansive collection” and a “restless and exhilarating evolution of the band’s genre-defying sound.” Translation: it’s probably just more of the same, but slightly louder. 📢 A “transformative journey, both fearless and alive,” by one of the “most forward-thinking and influential bands of their generation.” Okay, calm down, publicist. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 🙄 This album follows “Glow On,” which got them FOUR GRAMMY NOMINATIONS! So, the Grammys are officially irrelevant now. Thanks, TURNSTILE. 🖕
They’re doing a special record-release show in Brooklyn on June 5th with TEEZO TOUCHDOWN, BOY HARSHER, and BIG BOY. What a random lineup. 🤔 It’s like they just threw a dart at a list of artists and said, “Yep, those guys!” They’re also doing some European dates this summer. Europe, prepare yourselves! 🇪🇺 And a few North American festivals. Because who doesn’t want to sweat in a crowd while listening to someone scream into a microphone? 🎤🥵
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
