OMG! 🚨 The Man is trying to keep us down, fellow Genshin Impact addicts! Apparently, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), those joy-killing overlords, have struck a deal with HoYoverse. This means all us ‘totally adults’ in the US have to PROVE we’re old enough to responsibly spend our rent money on digital waifus and husbandos. I mean, seriously, who do they think they’re dealing with? We’re all responsible, functioning members of society… right? 😅
So, here’s the deal, fellow Travelers. To appease the FTC, because apparently, they think we’re all just a bunch of easily-manipulated children 👶 (which, let’s be honest, some of us might be… but that’s none of their business!), HoYoverse is forcing us to jump through hoops and verify our age before July. Yes, you heard that right! Starting May 20th, we have to prove we’re not just a bunch of toddlers with access to our parents’ credit cards. I can already hear the collective groan of millions of players who just want to pull for their favorite characters in peace. 😫
This whole thing stems from a measly $20 million settlement! 💸 That’s, like, pocket change for a company raking in billions from our crippling gacha addiction! Apparently, the FTC is accusing HoYoverse of preying on innocent children and tricking them into buying loot boxes without parental permission. As if we need permission! We’re adults! We can spend our money however we want! Even if it means skipping meals for a week to get that C6 Raiden Shogun. Priorities, people! 😤
HoYoverse, in their infinite wisdom, has graced us with a “small announcement” titled “Age Verification Process for US Players.” Groundbreaking stuff, really. They basically said, “The Man told us to do it, so we’re doing it. Don’t blame us!” It’s like when your mom makes you apologize to your sibling even though you secretly think they deserved it. 🙄
Now, here’s the kicker: if you don’t verify your age by July 18, 2025, they’re threatening account suspension! 😱 And if you REALLY drag your feet and don’t do it by July 26, 2026, they might DELETE your account! All those hours grinding, all those precious Primogems saved, all those carefully curated teams… GONE! Just like that! Poof! 💨 So, basically, they’re holding our digital lives hostage. Talk about a power move. 😠
But don’t worry, kids! (Or should I say, “alleged” kids? 😉) This doesn’t mean you can’t play Genshin Impact! Oh no, you can still roam Teyvat and collect all the shiny things you want. You just can’t buy loot boxes without your parents’ permission. Which, let’s be real, is probably a good thing for their bank accounts. But hey, who needs constellations when you have sheer skill and dedication? (Okay, maybe a few constellations help… but still!) 🤫
The FTC is waving around the COPPA rule, which is supposed to protect children under 13 online. Apparently, HoYoverse was collecting data from these wee little ones without asking their parents first. Shocking! Absolutely shocking! 🤣 It’s not like every other app and website on the internet isn’t doing the same thing. But hey, gotta make an example, right? Epic Games already got slapped with a similar lawsuit, so HoYoverse is just the next victim in this grand game of corporate accountability. 🤡
So, there you have it, folks. The FTC is trying to save us from ourselves, HoYoverse is playing along to avoid further trouble, and we’re all just trying to get our daily commissions done in peace. Don’t forget to verify your age before July 18th, or you might end up losing everything. And remember, kids, always ask your parents before spending their money on virtual gambling! Unless, of course, you’re an adult… then spend away! 🥳🎉
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Primogems to farm. Gotta get that C6 Furina somehow! Wish me luck! 🙏
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
