So, apparently, AEROSMITH, those dinosaurs of rock, are contemplating *another* farewell concert? 😂 Like, haven’t they milked this retirement thing drier than Steven Tyler’s liver after a backstage party in the ’70s? In a recent interview with WZLX’s Kenny Young, Joe Perry, who probably can’t remember what he had for breakfast, let alone his guitar riffs, droned on about the “possibility” of one last cash grab. 💰🤑 This comes a year after they announced they were officially retiring from touring because Steven Tyler, bless his heart, fractured his larynx. Because, you know, screaming “Dude Looks Like a Lady” for the millionth time is *totally* conducive to vocal health. 🤔🙄
Apparently, Tyler, who probably thinks autotune is a new type of face cream, showed up at BLACK SABBATH‘s “Back To The Beginning” charity concert. He pranced around with Ron Wood (who probably needed a nap after three chords), Nuno Bettencourt (who?), Tom Morello (who probably wondered where the revolution went), Andrew Watt (who obviously has dirt on someone important), Rudy Sarzo (still alive?) and Travis Barker (who probably brought his own drum kit made of skulls). They butchered “The Train Kept-A-Rollin'”, followed by AEROSMITH‘s “Walk This Way” and LED ZEPPELIN‘s “Whole Lotta Love”, proving once and for all that some songs should just be left alone. 🤦♀️ And of course, they had to swap out Barker with Chad Smith from the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, because why not add more confusion to this train wreck? 🚂💥
Back in June, Perry, bless his cotton socks, told SiriusXM‘s “Trunk Nation With Eddie Trunk” that he’s “always hoping” for another AEROSMITH concert. Because, you know, he needs the money for more scarves. 🧣 He went on to whine about how touring is “a big deal pulling that together.” No kidding, Joe. Try remembering the lyrics to “Sweet Emotion” after 50 years of doing the same thing. 😴 He complained that it’s physically draining, forgetting that most people his age are just trying to remember where they parked their car. 🚗🤷♂️ Apparently, all that energy he’s “transferring to the audience” is really just him trying not to fall asleep on stage. 😴
Perry went on to say that he and Tyler talk “a couple of times a week,” probably about which orthopedic surgeon is the best. 👨⚕️ He also mentioned some “charity up in San Francisco,” because nothing says “charity” like a bunch of geriatric rock stars trying to relive their glory days. He then said, “except for anything on the calendar, we’re all alive and well.” Well, that’s debatable, Joe. He finished with the gem, “I know there’s gotta be at least another AEROSMITH gig, and I’m not looking forward to putting the setlist together for that one.” Translation: “I’ve played these songs a million times, and I’m bored out of my skull, but I need the cash.” 💰💰💰
Host Eddie Trunk, bless his heart for still caring, asked if Tyler is actually well enough to play a full AEROSMITH concert. Joe, with the enthusiasm of a sloth, said, “I think he would. I think it’s just a matter of getting there. We’re up there [in age], man.” Translation: “Steven’s voice sounds like a cat being strangled, but we can always crank up the autotune.” 🎤🐈 He then reminisced about COVID, saying, “Oh, so this is how other people live.” Apparently, sleeping in your own bed and not feeling like death warmed over is a novel concept for these guys. 🛌🤒 He whined about not being able to do “other things” while touring, like getting more plastic surgery or arguing over who gets the biggest slice of the pie. 🍰🔪 Perry ended with, “I’ve got enough left in me. I still wanna do it. But right now, for [THE JOE PERRY PROJECT], I’m gonna be taking it out [this August] and giving it up.” Whatever that means. 🤔
And of course, we can’t forget about THE JOE PERRY PROJECT, featuring a bunch of ringers from AEROSMITH, THE BLACK CROWES, and STONE TEMPLE PILOTS. Because apparently, one washed-up band isn’t enough. 🤷♀️ They’ll be playing eight U.S. tour dates in August, probably to empty stadiums and bewildered faces.
The 2025 lineup of THE JOE PERRY PROJECT will feature more people you’ve vaguely heard of, including Chris Robinson on lead vocals. Because nothing says “rock ‘n’ roll” like a bunch of guys trying to recapture their youth while wearing more makeup than your grandma. 👵💄
Perry and Tyler apparently “performed” together for the first time in nearly two years at some private concert in San Francisco. It was a benefit for Janie’s Fund, because nothing says “helping young women” like charging rich people thousands of dollars to watch two old men stumble through their greatest “hits.” 🙄
AEROSMITH‘s “Peace Out” tour, which should have been called the “Please Just Stop” tour, came to a screeching halt after one (1) gig in Elmont, New York. That’s right, folks, they couldn’t even make it through three shows before Tyler‘s vocal cords gave out like a cheap rubber band. 🎻💥 He claimed it was “bleeding,” but it was probably just embarrassment. 😳
The rescheduled “Peace Out” tour, which will probably be renamed the “We Need Money” tour, was supposed to start September 20, 2024. With special guests THE BLACK CROWES, because apparently, misery loves company. 🐦⬛
And let’s not forget that Tyler released a solo LP in 2016. Because the world *totally* needed another washed-up rock star trying to be relevant. 💿🤦♂️ Honestly, at this point, they should just hang up their guitars and invest in some Depends. 🧷👴👵
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
