Trains is supposedly a “found-footage documentary,” which, let’s be honest, just means they couldn’t afford to shoot anything new. 🤣 It’s a “collective portrait” of 20th-century Europeans, or as I like to call them, “people who missed out on TikTok.” Get ready for grainy footage of their “hopes, desires, dramas, and tragedies,” which probably involve losing their monocles or complaining about the price of tea. ☕
Apparently, a train compartment is a magical place where people suddenly become deep and philosophical! 🤔 Who knew? The journey is “accompanied by the hope that something will change,” which is code for “I hope I don’t have to sit next to someone who smells like old cheese.” 🧀 Or, you know, the “stark absence of hope,” which is what I feel every Monday morning. 😩 This cinematic masterpiece won “Best Film and Best Editing” at some film festival in Amsterdam. Must have been a slow year. 🐌
And the “history of the 20th century unfolds in railway carriages,” which is a fancy way of saying “we found a bunch of old clips and slapped them together.” Every few years, we get “hauntingly similar scenes” of men going to war. So original! 🙄 Then, there’s the “exodus of civilians,” because nothing says “entertainment” like watching people flee their homes. 🏃♀️ Don’t forget the “prisoners of war returning from camps,” because misery loves company! 🎉 And finally, “ordinary passengers reappear,” probably wondering where they left their luggage. 🧳
Directed by some guy named Maciej J. Drygas, this film is having a “special One-Night Screening” at some place no one’s ever heard of. 😴 Then it “Opens in New York,” probably to a crowd of confused tourists. 🗽 Get ready for it to “open wide in the US,” which means it’ll be playing at your local gas station next to the scratch-off tickets. ⛽
IDFA (International’s Documentary Film Festival Amsterdam) is an “international documentary institute” that “guides, inspires and shapes opinions.” In other words, it’s a bunch of people who think they know more than you do. 🤓 This “institute” has a “public festival,” a “fund,” and even “programs for new media”! Sounds like a great way to waste taxpayers’ money. 💸 They aim to base their “selection of documentary films” on “artistic quality,” but let’s be real, it’s probably just whoever sent them the biggest bribe. 💰 They also care about “urgency and accessibility,” because nothing is more urgent than a documentary about trains! 🚨 Inclusivity and gender equality are “driving forces,” which means they’ll probably throw in a token scene with a female conductor. 👩✈️ All departments are “committed to talent development, new media and diversity,” because buzzwords are fun! 🤪
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
