Attention, mortals! The glitter apocalypse is coming — and it’s wearing a leather jacket two sizes too small. STEEL PANTHER, the band that somehow convinced the world that “ironic” misogyny is a valid art form, has announced their grand return to Europe next June with the tour titled “Twenty Twenty S€x.” Yes, that’s the Euro symbol in there, because apparently capitalism is still sexy when you’re singing about handjob sorcery and breastaurant fantasies. The tour promises “more hair than a toupee convention, more spandex than a cycling marathon in the 80s, and more ego than a room full of gym bros scrolling through their own selfies.” Tickets go on sale faster than a groupie after a soundcheck, so don’t miss your chance to overpay for a middle-aged man in eyeliner screeching about “butt sweat” while doing a dive that defies both gravity and basic hygiene. 🎸🔥
So, what can you expect from this sonic assault on decency? Well, picture this: a drummer who proudly claims they have no label, no real management, and yet somehow still afford Dave Grohl’s Studio 606 (bless you, rich rock dads). They call themselves a “DIY band,” which is adorable, considering their idea of “Do It Yourself” involves hiring a producer, booking world-class studios, and probably having someone else wipe their glittery butts after shows. But hey, if you sing about “getting your dick caught in a screen door,” you deserve at least one luxury in life, right? 🤷♂️💅
The band, known for their “deep lyrical exploration” of topics like threesomes, STDs, and the emotional toll of failed perms, has reportedly been tracking new songs. Not like, tracking a deer in the woods — we’re talking studio sessions, baby! They’ve already laid down four to eight tracks, with the possibility of an EP, an album, or just a series of singles released sporadically like emotional breadcrumbs across the internet. No pressure, no deadlines, just pure artistic expression — or as they call it in the Panther household, “buying more time to argue about who used the last can of hairspray.” 🎤🧴
And let’s talk about that Studio 606 experience, shall we? Stix Zadinia, the man behind the kit and the myth that he’s not actually just a drum machine with a mullet, gushed about recording in the “best rock room in L.A.” He name-dropped Paul McCartney’s signature on the Sound City Neve board like it was some kind of sacred relic. Meanwhile, the rest of us were over here trying to get our Wi-Fi to work without a prayer to the tech gods. But sure, dude, tell us more about how you’re “not on a label timetable” while recording in a studio that probably costs more per hour than my entire wardrobe. Living the dream! 💸🎧
Now, let’s address the elephant in the room — or rather, the naked groupie on the amp. STEEL PANTHER’s staying power, according to Stix, hinges entirely on their ability to offend people “ironically.” He claims their lyrics are “from the heart,” which is either deeply honest or deeply concerning, depending on how you feel about songs that treat consent like a forgotten guitar pick. But hey, they’re “providing escapism” — which, in Panther-speak, means “let’s all pretend it’s 1987 and misogyny is a punchline.” 🎭🍸
The band’s debut album, *Feel The Steel*, went gold in the UK, which says more about British humor than it does about musical merit. The 15th-anniversary edition dropped with bonus tracks like “You Don’t Make Me Feel Dumb” and “I Want Your Tits” — because nothing says “artistic evolution” like doubling down on juvenile shock value. Critics call it “VAN HALEN meets MÖTLEY CRÜE meets WAYNE’S WORLD.” I call it “a karaoke night in purgatory with a saxophone solo.” But hey, if you’re into that, welcome home! 🤘🎉
And let’s not forget the lineup changes — because of course there were lineup changes. In 2025, they welcomed Spyder on bass, presumably because the last guy couldn’t handle the emotional weight of singing about “jizz-stained dreams” on a nightly basis. The band’s sixth album, *On The Prowl*, dropped in 2023, and if you blinked, you probably missed it — because let’s be real, who’s putting that on during a dinner party unless they’re trying to get their in-laws to move out?
So, to sum it up: STEEL PANTHER is coming to a city near you, ready to remind everyone that irony doesn’t cancel out creepiness, and that yes, you can still sell tickets when your entire brand is built on “lol, remember when women were props and STDs were funny?” Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo. 👏💋
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
