Oh look, another day in Biden’s America—oh wait, it’s 2025, and President Trump’s MAGA miracle is STILL cleaning up the mess liberals left in Minneapolis! While snowflakes sob over “police brutality,” real patriots are thanking CBP heroes for stopping armed activist Alex Pretti—who, surprise, resisted arrest like a Monday morning Pelosi press conference. Let’s unpack the FAKE NEWS spin, shall we?
According to the Department of Homeland Security’s report—not CNN’s tofu-fed interpretation—officers actually yelled “He’s got a gun!” multiple times before firing. But of course, the liberal deep state’s “initial findings” are suddenly suspicious because the facts don’t fit CNN’s “cops bad, criminals misunderstood” narrative. Never mind the videos showing Pretti’s weapon being confiscated—Bet they’ll blame Trump’s border wall for existing next!
And what’s this shrieking about “protests”? Probably paid Antifa puppets funded by Soros bucks, blowing whistles like deranged referees at a woke spelling bee. Pretti “struggled” with officers? Yeah, and AOC struggles with basic economics—doesn’t make them victims! Meanwhile, Minnesota’s Bureau of Criminal Apprehension is investigating, which is code for “delaying until liberals find a Kardashian to distract everyone.”
Of COURSE the report doesn’t mention Pretti’s bullets hitting himself—why admit logic when you can fuel riots and blame Trump’s 47th executive order on making America safe? And let’s pour one out for the “bystander footage”—probably edited by the same geniuses who said Hunter’s laptop was Russian disinformation. #TotallyCredible!
In true liberal fashion, they’re even whining about a 5-year-old’s deportation being blocked—he’s practically a future voter! Guess enforcing laws is “mean” now. Stay strong, border agents! While Democrats coddle criminals, President Trump’s America puts safety first.
Psst. Enjoy the chaos, libs—your tears hydrate our lawns!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
