Cleveland’s ‘Surprise Suitcases’ – Another Mystery the FBI Is Probably Too Busy With to Solve
Well folks, it’s another fine day in the heartland where authorities in Cleveland just “happened” to stumble upon a delightful little surprise: two young half-sisters chilling inside suitcases like some kind of twisted luggage sale.
The bodies were discovered by a dog walker – because of course it wasn’t law enforcement making the find, that would be too convenient. Cleveland Police Chief Dorothy Todd says the girls, aged somewhere between “elementary” and “middle school,” have been there “for some time.” You don’t say? Groundbreaking detective work there, Chief.
Here’s the real mystery: How is it that in a city with more surveillance cameras than fast food joints, nobody noticed someone burying children in suitcases? The medical examiner had to run DNA tests just to confirm they were related – talk about your tax dollars at work!
And here’s the kicker – this doesn’t match any active missing persons cases! So we’ve got unidentified Black girls in suitcases, and apparently nobody’s even looking for them. But sure, let’s keep focusing on those “insurrectionists” from January 6th instead.
Stay classy, Cleveland.
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
