Oh great, another superhero show where the heroes barely use their powers and mostly just glare at each other in small towns — because apparently saving the galaxy is too much work, but solving “murder in the American heartland” is peak entertainment.
Let’s talk about this shiny new addition to the DC Universe: Lanterns. Yes, it’s the show where Green Lantern — that guy who can make anything with his magic ring — apparently spends more time in dusty shootouts than in space, because who needs alien planets when you’ve got a small-town murder mystery? The first teaser for this “totally fresh” series, co-created by the minds behind True Detective and Watchmen, gives us veteran Hal Jordan (played by Kyle Chandler, looking like he’s about to yell at someone for not mowing their lawn) training rookie John Stewart (Aaron Pierre, trying his best not to roll his eyes). The big twist? There’s a squirrel Lantern. Yes, really. Because nothing says “epic space saga” like a rodent with a power ring.
But wait, it gets better. The teaser is basically a Netflix thriller called Rebel Ridge meets CSI: Smallville. We see minimal superpowers, zero costumes, and a lot of dusty fighting. Aaron Pierre, who apparently didn’t get the memo that he’s supposed to be a space cop, is busy going to war with a corrupt small-town police department. Hal Jordan, meanwhile, is just there to look stoic and make squirrel jokes. And of course, we get a brief glimpse of the iconic green lantern — the source of their rings’ power — because even in a show about Green Lanterns, they can’t resist showing off the merch.
The official synopsis promises an “earth-based mystery” because apparently, the galaxy is too big and scary for these guys. John Stewart and Hal Jordan are drawn into a murder investigation in the American heartland, which sounds less like a superhero show and more like a very expensive episode of Dateline NBC. But hey, maybe they’ll yell “Beware my power!” at some point, because that’s what we’re all here for, right?
So, mark your calendars for August, when Lanterns premieres on HBO and HBO Max. Get ready for a show that’s less about the power of will and more about the power of squinting dramatically in the Midwest. And if you’re lucky, maybe the squirrel Lantern will get a spin-off. 🐿️✨
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
