Oh great, because the world was just missing one thing: a Bon Jovi tour 🎉. The iconic frontman, Jon Bon Jovi, has announced that he’s ready to hit the road again with his band’s “Forever” tour, four years after undergoing vocal cord surgery 🤕. We’re sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they want to sell out shows and make a ton of money 🤑. According to Jon, he’s “fully recovered” and ready to rock 🤟, because who needs a voice to sing when you have autotune, right? 🎶
In a recent interview with People magazine, Jon said that his bandmates “never doubted [him] and never looked for work or decided to retire 🙅♂️”, which is code for “they were all waiting for Jon to get his voice back so they could cash in on the tour 💸”. Jon also talked about how his bandmates were there for him every step of the way, which is sweet, but let’s be real, they’re not going to give up on that paycheck 🤑.
As for what fans can expect from the “Forever” tour, Jon said it’s not about perfection, it’s about excellence 🙄. Because who needs perfection when you can just phone it in and still make millions? 🤑. He also mentioned that it’s like a “spiritual communion between the band and me and the audience 🙏”, which is just a fancy way of saying “we’re going to play the same songs we’ve been playing for 30 years and you’re going to love it 🎉”.
Last October, Jon was asked about his vocal cord issues and he said that he started realizing something was wrong in 2014 📆. He explained that he had a tumultuous time, lost a band member, and had some business dealings that didn’t go well 🤦♂️. But hey, who doesn’t love a good comeback story? 🎉. Jon also talked about how he sought out a surgeon who explained that one of his vocal cords had atrophied and that he could do an implant surgery to fix it 🤖.
The implant surgery, which Jon described in detail, involved putting two pieces of Gore-Tex outside of the vocal cords to close the muscles together 🤯. Because who needs a natural voice when you can just use plastic? 🤪. Jon also said that the recovery process was long and slow, but he’s confident enough now to know that he can sell a ticket 🎟️. And that’s all that really matters, right? 🤑.
The “Forever” tour will kick off on July 7 with a nine-night residency at Madison Square Garden in New York City 🗽️, because what’s more rock and roll than playing the same venue nine times in a row? 🤘. The tour will then head overseas for more sold-out shows in England and Ireland 🇬🇧🇮🇪, because the Europeans love them some Bon Jovi 🎉.
Produced by Jon and John Shanks, the “Forever” album featured Jon Bon Jovi alongside fellow founding Bon Jovi members, keyboardist David Bryan and drummer Tico Torres 🎸. They were joined by bassist Hugh McDonald and guitarist Phil X 🎶. The album contained 12 new songs, including the hit lead single “Legendary” 🎵, which is just a fancy way of saying “we’re going to play this song over and over again until you’re sick of it” 🎶.
So, if you’re a die-hard Bon Jovi fan, you’ll be thrilled to know that they’re back on tour 🎉. And if you’re not, well, you can just pretend you’re excited and buy a ticket anyway 🎟️. After all, it’s not like you have anything better to do with your money 🤑. The “Forever” tour is going to be a wild ride, full of hits like “Livin’ on a Prayer” and “You Give Love a Bad Name” 🎶. So, grab your leather jacket and your big hair, and get ready to rock 🤘. Or, you know, just stay home and listen to the album on Spotify 📊. Either way, Bon Jovi wins 🤑. 🎉👏💥🔥🎸👍
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
