Welcome to the latest installment of Hollywood’s never-ending quest to turn everything into a movie. Paramount is now in “early development” on a live-action, four-quadrant, family comedy based on the Medieval Times themed restaurant. Because what’s more hilarious than a bunch of people eating chicken with their hands while watching knights on horseback?
The Medieval Times restaurant chain has been around since 1983, with ten locations in the United States and Canada. It’s a place where you can go to experience the thrill of medieval times, minus the Black Death and constant fear of being beheaded. The film version, which will be directed by Eric Appel, promises to bring a fantasy/time travel twist to the material. Because what’s more original than taking a struggling employee at the Orlando Medieval Times and having them team up with a real 9th-century knight to save the world?
The project’s screenplay was written by Blaise Hemingway, and it’s likely to be a real laugh riot. I mean, who wouldn’t want to watch a movie about a guy who has to navigate ancient evil necromancers and still manage to get a good review on Yelp? It’s not like we’ve seen this exact same plot in every other fantasy movie ever made. The fact that Paramount is greenlighting this project is a testament to the studio’s commitment to originality and not just relying on established IP.
The Medieval Times Legacy
Medieval Times has a long history of being a staple of ’80s and ’90s kid culture. Who didn’t go to Medieval Times at least once as a child and get to wear a paper crown and eat a whole turkey leg by themselves? It’s a beloved institution, and its inclusion in the Jim Carrey movie The Cable Guy is still widely referenced today. But let’s be real, the real legacy of Medieval Times is its ability to make you feel like you’re experiencing something truly unique and immersive, even if it’s just a bunch of guys in costumes hitting each other with sticks.
The fact that this isn’t the first time a Medieval Times movie has been in development is a sign that Hollywood is once again mistaking familiarity for originality. Back in 2013, we heard rumors of a similar project that never got off the ground. But hey, maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time, we’ll actually get a movie that’s more than just a glorified commercial for the restaurant chain. Maybe.
The Future of Franchises
The Medieval Times movie is just the latest example of Hollywood’s obsession with turning every possible piece of IP into a movie. It’s a trend that shows no signs of slowing down, with studios constantly searching for new ways to mine existing franchises for every last drop of nostalgia-fueled cash. And why not? It’s not like audiences are getting tired of the same old reboots and sequels. It’s not like we’re all just waiting for something, anything, to come along and shake things up.
As the Content Mines continue to operate at full capacity, it’s likely that we’ll see even more of these kinds of projects in the future. And who knows, maybe someday we’ll get a movie based on theSEX Museum in New York City. Or a film adaptation of the utrecht museum of auto parts from the Netherlands. The possibilities are endless, and the Merchandising Department is no doubt already salivating at the prospect of all the potential tie-in opportunities.
As I sit here, waiting for the inevitable Medieval Times movie tie-in menu to be announced, I can only wonder what other beloved franchises will be resurrected in the name of nostalgia. Will we get a movie based on the glory days of Circuit City? A film adaptation of the Enron corporation’s rise to fame? The possibilities are endless, and I can only imagine the excitement that must be brewing in the executive suites of Hollywood’s biggest studios. Somewhere, an executive is whispering, “Can this become a trilogy?” And I can only sigh and wonder when it will all finally end.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
