Oh boy, another crossover event! As if we didn’t have enough excuses to drain our bank accounts already. This time it’s Magic: The Gathering—Final Fantasy, a collab so epic, so groundbreaking, it’s basically the gaming equivalent of pineapple on pizza. Prepare yourselves, planeswalkers, for a world where mana meets moogles, and your carefully crafted decks are about to get wrecked by… nostalgia? 😭
So, the author is gushing about how Final Fantasy VIII was their first FF game. Oh, how cute! 🥰 Back in ’98, when consoles were the hot new thing and Windows 95 was still crashing every five minutes. They conveniently skipped over the part where they probably rage-quit after getting stuck on the Cactuar Island. I bet they spammed summons and didn’t bother learning the junction system. Noob. 🙄
Fast forward to the present, and apparently, this person’s entire life trajectory is thanks to Magic and Final Fantasy. Wow, talk about setting the bar low! 🤣 I guess if you can’t get a real job, you can always write articles about card games. But hey, at least they’re excited about seeing their favorite heroes and villains get turned into cardboard rectangles.
But wait, there’s a catch! This article is *really* about how they want MORE Final Fantasy VIII cards. Seriously? FFVIII? The game with the most convoluted plot this side of Kingdom Hearts? The game where you draw magic from monsters by repeatedly pressing a button? Yeah, let’s prioritize that over, say, Final Fantasy VI, the actual best one. 🤡
And now, the big reveal: a “special landmark” in MTG form. Ooh, the suspense is killing me! (Not really.)
First up, we have Clive’s Hideaway from Final Fantasy XVI. It’s a land that taps for colorless mana, because apparently, Clive’s hideout is as exciting as watching paint dry. And it has the Hideaway mechanic, which lets you tuck away a legendary creature and then cheat it into play later. Because who needs to play fair, right? 🤷♀️
But the real star of the show (according to this article, anyway) is Balamb Garden from Final Fantasy VIII. It’s a land that taps for blue or green mana, because apparently, school is a magical place. And for the low, low price of seven mana, it transforms into Balamb Garden, Airborne, a vehicle that can attack and draw you a card. Because nothing says “strategic gameplay” like turning your school into a giant flying houseboat. 🤪
The author then proceeds to suggest some truly awful deckbuilding ideas, involving Balthier, Fran, and Cid. Because apparently, the best way to play Magic is to just throw a bunch of random cards together and hope for the best. 🤦♂️ Oh, and don’t forget to use the Final Fantasy VIII version of Cid, because apparently, Robin Williams was secretly a headmaster in a video game.
So, to all you FFVIII “enjoyers” out there (if there are any), get ready to have your hearts warmed by this new art and the “intriguing” way Balamb Garden has been reimagined. And be sure to buy a ton of packs when Magic: The Gathering—Final Fantasy releases on June 13th. Because nothing says “I love wasting money” like buying overpriced cardboard rectangles. 🤑 And if you’re *really* desperate to play the set early, check out the prerelease events at your local game store. Just be prepared to get stomped by someone who actually knows how to play Magic. 🤣
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
