Bryan Ferry and Amelia Barratt’s “Loose Talk”: More Like Loose Stool

Oh, joy! 🙄 Bryan Ferry And Amelia Barratt – Loose Talk (BMG). Apparently, Bryan’s still alive. Who knew?

So, Ferry’s first album of “new music” in 11 years, and guess what? He’s not even singing! 🤣 He claims he just “drones or hums along.” More like he’s finally realized his voice sounds like a dying cat. Before you demand your money back (which you should), they want you to believe this is peak Roxy Music. As if! 🤣

Apparently, it’s “hard” for Ferry to write songs that sound like his old hits AND be “new.” Newsflash, Bryan: it’s hard for you to write *any* good songs these days. That’s supposedly the point of Loose Talk. If you somehow missed the “pulsating banger” Star (and let’s be honest, you did), then you’re in for a “surprise.” Spoiler alert: it’s not a good one. 🤦‍♀️

The “methodology” is oh-so-simple: some random “performance artist” named Barratt sends Ferry her spoken-word ramblings, and he slaps some music on it. Genius! 🤯 It only took Ferry 52 years to figure out he could get someone else to do the actual work. What a visionary! 🤡

Ferry “struck gold” with Barratt, apparently. Her “precise diction” is so amazing it leaves room for “wit and heartbreak.” I didn’t know monotone rambling could be so emotionally diverse. 🙄 Her pronunciation of words conveys more drama than most singers’ whole albums? I think my microwave conveys more drama. 😒

It’s a “minimalist approach” that Ferry “takes delight in matching.” Translation: he couldn’t be bothered to do anything complex. It’s mostly played on a “beat-up piano” he’s owned since 1973. Probably because he’s too cheap to buy a new one. Its “off-kilter resonance” is “perfect” for these “vivid stories.” More like perfectly awful. 🤮

The “bouncing, elusive riff” in Stand Near Me is an “absolute earworm.” If by earworm you mean something you want to surgically remove. Cowboy Hat is some obscure reference no one cares about, while White Noise will have you “in bits” because you’ll be questioning all your life choices. It builds up to the title track, a “star-studded assemblage of players” getting “delirious” behind Barratt’s “tumbling, restless monologue.” They’re probably just drunk. 🤣 After 50 years, Ferry is “freshening up his act.” More like desperately trying to stay relevant. And in Barratt, he’s found an “ideal new conspirator.” In mediocrity, that is. 🤝

★★★★½ (Only because we’re being paid to say that. Realistically? Maybe two stars. For effort.)

Order here (Don’t. Seriously, don’t.)

Chord F. Discord

Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”

Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.

Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.