Breaking: Satanist Nergal Celebrates Christmas Like a Normal Person, Immediately Regrets It on Podcast 🎄😈
In a shocking turn of events that has left both the Christian right and the black metal underground equally confused, **Adam “Nergal” Darski**—the man who once tore a Bible on stage faster than your uncle can finish a eggnog—has admitted he *actually* celebrates Christmas. Yes, the same guy who worships the dark void and considers organized religion “a pyramid scheme with better PR” is out here roasting chestnuts and pretending not to cry during *Home Alone*. In a recent interview with the *Everblack* podcast—because of course that’s a real podcast and not a Discord server run by a 14-year-old from Nebraska—Nergal dropped this philosophical bomb: “Absolutely. I celebrate Christmas. But only because Christians stole it from Pagans, so it doesn’t *really* count.” 🤯
Let us pause for a moment to appreciate the sheer *audacity* of this logic. It’s like saying, “I don’t eat bacon because pigs are sacred in some ancient culture… but also, pass the BLT.” Nergal went on to explain that the holiday is “about family time and there’s nothing wrong about it, and it has no religious associations whatsoever.” 💁♂️ Sure, Jan. And the yule log is just a big piece of charcoal with commitment issues.
He continued, “It’s a time when everyone takes time off and everyone needs tranquility and peace and relaxes and breathes.” AKA: the only time of year when Satanists and accountants share the same goal. He also noted that he doesn’t care about the commercialization of Christmas—“Santa Claus and all that bullshit — that is pretty much commerce.” But let’s be real, if there’s one thing black metal and capitalism agree on, it’s merch. You think he’s not side-eyeing those limited-edition Behemoth ugly Christmas sweaters? 👕🎅
Nergal then painted a picture of domestic bliss that would make Hallmark vomit: he’s driving four hours through the Polish winter gloom—“doom and gloom,” he called it, which honestly sounds like the name of his next album—to pick up his mom. “More is not bearable for either one [of us],” he said, which is the most relatable Christmas quote since “Why did Aunt Carol bring that casserole with the marshmallows again?” But blood is thicker than water, and also thicker than inverted crosses, so here we are. 🩸🖤
He went on to wax poetic about the season: “It’s very relaxing and it’s cool, and I’m happy not to be traveling. I can go through things, I can go and read my book. And there’s hours and hours that pass and I’m, like, fucking not really doing anything.” Sounds like someone discovered hygge and immediately tried to make it sound edgy. Next he’ll be sipping glögg in a candlelit room, whispering “this is just like the void between dimensions.” 🔥🕯️
Meanwhile, *The Shit Ov God*—yes, that’s the actual album title, and no, we’re not joking, though Satan might be—dropped in May via Nuclear Blast Records. Produced by Jens Bogren, a man who has literally made chaos sound symphonic for bands like EMPEROR and KREATOR, the album is basically the musical equivalent of setting your Christmas tree on fire and calling it art. The cover art? Made by people whose names sound like a Dungeons & Dragons campaign gone wrong: Bartek Rogalewicz and the Dark Sigil Workshop. We assume they used only the blood of fallen angels and expired Nutella to create it. 🎵👹
And if you thought the holiday spirit was dead, think again! Behemoth and Dimmu Borgir are teaming up for the *“In League With Satan”* European tour in October 2026. Because nothing says “festive” like two bands whose fashion inspiration is “medieval warlock meets Hot Topic” sharing a stage. Dark Funeral will open, because of course they will—probably walking out to the sound of a single, echoing cough in a crypt. 🤵♂️🎻
So there you have it: the anti-Christmas crusader who once spat on the Pope’s shadow is now roasting chestnuts and reevaluating his life choices while his mom passive-aggressively asks when he’ll settle down with a nice demon. The world is chaos. The world is beautiful. The world is *extremely* confused. But hey—at least someone’s enjoying the holidays. Even if he has to rename it five times to feel okay about it. 🎁🔥
Merry Christmas, Nergal. We’ll leave the front door unlocked. Just don’t sacrifice the turkey. 🦃🔪
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
