Hold onto your hairspray cans, folks, because SKID ROW bassist Rachel Bolan just discovered he can do… everything 😱. On June 12, he’ll unleash “Gargoyle Of The Garden State”—a solo album so epic, it’ll make New Jersey smell slightly less like desperation and truck stops. Produced by Nick Raskulinecz (the guy who’s produced every Active Rock band that hasn’t been sued for plagiarism 💀), the album features guest spots from half the rock universe, including Slipknot’s Corey Taylor (who whispered, “I do clean vocals now, bro”), Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt (still shredding like he’s in 1991 💎), and, yes, Rachel’s SKID ROW bandmates—who clearly had nothing better to do.🔥
Are you sitting? Good. Because according to Rachel’s chat on the vital “Rockstrap” podcast (hosted by comedy legend Don Jamieson and… checks notes… radio veteran Keith Roth), this album doesn’t sound like SKID ROW. Shocking! Apparently, singing over your own garage-band riffs while Nick Raskulinecz nods approvingly like a medieval king isn’t the same as writing songs with four other dudes voting via Zoom. Who knew? 🤯 Rachel bragged, “I played most of the guitars, all the bass, and some of the solos” (Nuno, Snake, Scotti, Damon Johnson, and probably your mailman handled the rest). But here’s the twist: NO COMMITTEES! No demoratic band meetings debating whether a song sounds “too much like Bon Jovi.” Just Bolan, Nick, and a studio full of caffeine. 🎸☕
But wait—there’s more drama! Rachel teased one cover song on the album, cryptically hinting it’s from a band “nobody remembers” (cough…FireHouse…cough), which he “rebranded” to sound like a haunted kazoo solo. 🎭 And because the rock gods demand tribute, there’s also a music video coming. For what? No one knows. But bets are on Rachel cosplaying as an actual gargoyle atop a Dunkin’ Donuts in Trenton. 🧌🍩
Now, let’s pivot to SKID ROW’s eternal quest—finding a lead singer who doesn’t quit, get fired, or spontaneously combust. 🧨 Since Erik Grönwall dipped (health reasons, very valid) nearly TWO YEARS AGO, the band’s been holding American Idol auditions in their basement. Bolan spilled: “We’ve got a few guys on our radar… some too young, some too green, some who can’t sing. Who told them they could sing?” 🔍😂 Apparently, the criteria are:
- Strong pipes (can screech “18 and Life” without coughing up lung confetti).
- Tour stamina (must survive 300 days a year eating gas station taquitos).
- Be a ‘Good Hang’ (meaning: tolerate Snake’s dad jokes and Rachel’s eyebrow raises). 🥴
Oh, and all four band members must agree unanimously—because nothing says “efficiency” like four dudes debating for 18 months whether Dave from Omaha’s backstage vibe is “chill.” 😴 Still, Rachel reassured us they’re “not rushing anything.” Why? Because according to their booking agent, “those [empty casino] shows aren’t going anywhere.” 🙌🏟️
But let’s unpack the elephant in the room: Sebastian Bach. Fans keep screaming “REUNION!”, but Snake Sabo recently declared: “It’s not gonna happen. Not Rachel’s fault! It’s all three of us—we enjoy not wanting to stab each other!” 🗡️🚫 Rachel even clarified that Bach was never his friend, just a “bandmate“—like calling a tornado your “roommate.” 🌪️ And Bach? He’s still salty, blaming “lifetime manager Rick Sales” for the rift (yawn).
Meanwhile, drummer Rob Hammersmith says finding a singer is “a balancing act” between honoring SKID ROW’s “legacy” and avoiding sounding like a tribute band fronted by a Sebastian impersonator. Current strategy? Auditioning “unknowns” and “big names” (read: whoever answers their Craigslist ad). 🕵️♂️
So, to recap: Rachel Bolan made a solo album because why not, SKID ROW’s still singerless (but very zen about it), and Sebastian Bach remains the ghost at the feast. 🎭🍝 Gargoyle Of The Garden State drops June 12—preorder now before they pivot to polka! 🎵🤘
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
