US Army To Add ‘Do You Intend To Carry Out a Massive Terrorist Attack’ To Application Form
U.S. — In an effort to address recent violence, the United States Army has decided to begin asking applicants if…
Month: January 2025
Labor Board Classifies ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants As Employees
Read MoreThe OnionThe National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which…
Bollywood Buys Lionsgate: Michael Jackson’s Indian Accent Will Moonwalk You to Tears! 🌟
The iconic Hollywood studio Lionsgate, following a disastrous run of box office flops in 2024, including such «masterpieces» as «The…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Timothée Chalamet
Read MoreThe OnionTimothée Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan…
Lost VeggieTales Episode Discovered Where David Brings King Saul 200 Severed Pickle Tips
TUSTIN, CA — A previously lost episode of the beloved children’s classic VeggieTales has surfaced that depicts a young Dave,…
Presbyterian Church To Begin Tasing Anyone Who Raises Hands During Worship
FORKSVILLE, PA — As part of a new hardline stance being taken to start the new year, a local Presbyterian…
Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount!
Read MoreThe OnionCHÂTEAU DE CHAMBORD—Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can…
Bad Sign: Sushi Bar Run By White Dude
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Looking for authentic sushi at a reasonable price? Look elsewhere. Bushido Sushi may look the part,…
FBI Baffled Terrorist Attack Occurred As They Imprisoned All Jan 6 Attendees
U.S. — As the investigations continued into the deadly events of the new year, FBI agents were reportedly baffled that…
Study: Few Bursts Of Vigorous Movement May Cut Women’s Heart Risks
Read MoreThe OnionA study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the…