Mysterious Tar Balls Washing Up On Florida Beaches
Read MoreThe OnionThe U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches,…
Month: February 2025
Reptile Handler At Birthday Party Ruthlessly Heckled By 6-Year-Old For Showing Amphibian
Read MoreThe OnionCLEVELAND—Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew…
⚖️ Zachary Quinto Sues Minecraft Movie – Villagers Look EXACTLY Like Him!
Hollywood actor Zachary Quinto, best known for his roles in Star Trek and Heroes, has officially filed a lawsuit against…
9 Surefire Ways Bureaucrats Can Hide Fraudulent Spending From DOGE
With Elon Musk and the Department of Government Efficiency running roughshod over the federal government, bureaucrats have been scrambling to…
RFK Jr. Sworn In On Raw 32-Ounce Ribeye
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a powerful statement, RFK Jr was sworn in as the next Secretary of Health and Human…
Rising Egg Prices Prompt More Americans To Raise Chickens In Backyard
Read MoreThe OnionThe skyrocketing price of eggs have caused some shoppers to consider keeping their own backyard laying hens, though…
Jets Announce Plan To Keep Losing But Without Aaron Rodgers
FLORHAM PARK, NJ — A changing of the guard was on the horizon in the NFL, as the New York…
STIs: Myth Vs. Fact
Read MoreThe OnionSexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks…
Democrats Rush To Chug As Much Seed Oil As Possible Before RFK Jr. Takes Over
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was confirmed Thursday as the next Secretary of Health and Human Services with…
Pope Francis Announces That God Agrees With Whatever It Is Democrats Want To Do Right Now
ROME — Pope Francis, Pontiff of the Roman Church, has just confirmed that God agrees with whatever it is that…