Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9
Read MoreThe OnionJACKSON, MS—Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nation’s egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that…
Month: March 2025
🚨Scandal Surrounding GTA 5 Enhanced: Are Real Los Angeles Thugs Visiting Those Who Leave Negative Reviews?💪
The release of GTA 5 Enhanced on March 4th has sparked a whirlwind of emotions among gamers. Out of 19,772…
Checkmate: Trump Hits Canada With Tariff Of Double Infinity Plus One
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Canada is reeling after Trump upped the ante in the trade war by slapping America’s northern neighbor…
Life Hack: Volunteer For Parking Lot Ministry And You’ll Never Have To Hear Another Sermon For The Rest Of Your Days
Check out this sweet life hack, my church brethren! Or… should I say “faith hack?” Yes, it’s true. If you…
Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov Cocktails
Read MoreThe OnionTesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over…
NBA To Allow LeBron James To Play In Giant Hamster Ball So Other Players Can’t Touch Him
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an unprecedented move intended to protect one of the league’s most valuable commodities, the NBA…
Liberals Defeat Nazis By Painting Swastikas Everywhere And Torching Immigrant Businesses
WORLD — Liberals across the world have defeated Naziism by painting swastikas on everything and setting fire to immigrant-owned storefronts.…
Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan…
🎸 Tool: Music on Repeat — The New Concert Format! 🎶
Punta Cana, Dominican Republic — This past weekend, the Tool in the Sand festival turned into a musical Groundhog Day,…
Man Longs For Simpler Time When Games Were 2D And You Could Never Get Past The First Level
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local middle-aged man Dustin Sidewood was seen gazing out a window thoughtfully, longing for a time…