Oh, the humanity! While the poors scraped together pennies for gas station coffee, Jeff Bezos, the man who single-handedly keeps cardboard box manufacturers in business, decided to treat his fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, and a gaggle of gal pals to a whirlwind tour of the cosmos. This epic 11-minute adventure aboard his Blue Origin rocket – because who needs a second coat of paint on the yacht when you can literally touch the face of God (or at least the edge of space)? – has sparked outrage and mockery online. Apparently, some people think billionaires shouldn’t be allowed to have fun while the rest of us struggle to afford avocado toast. The nerve!
This all-female crew, featuring such luminaries as Katy Perry (who presumably packed her left shark costume) and Gayle King (because every space mission needs a sensible mom friend), blasted off from west Texas on Monday. The whole shebang was over faster than you can say “space tourism,” returning to Earth after a brief flirtation with zero gravity. Previous Blue Origin flights, like the one featuring a bewildered William Shatner in 2021, were equally short, proving that even in space, time is money, and billionaires aren’t keen on wasting either.
Enter Emily Ratajkowski, author, model, and professional opinion-haver, who took to TikTok to denounce the flight as a dystopian “Hunger Games”-esque display of wealth and privilege. Because obviously, a short hop into space is exactly like fighting to the death in a televised arena. Ratajkowski, clutching her pearls (probably sustainably sourced), lamented that Bezos was merely using this “optically progressive” all-female crew as a glorified PR stunt to impress his soon-to-be-wife. “He’s just taking his fiancée and a few other famous women to space for space tourism,” she sniffed. The horror! Imagine, using your vast fortune to experience something incredible. How dare he?
Ratajkowski, apparently forgetting that her own career is built on, well, *looks*, then proceeded to lecture the world about the evils of exploitation and greed. “Being able to take the privilege that you have gained from exploitation and greed… and doing something like going to space for 11 minutes is not an accomplishment,” she declared. Perhaps she should consider donating her modeling earnings to the less fortunate? Just a thought. 🤷♀️
But wait, there’s more! Olivia Wilde, director of the critically acclaimed “Don’t Worry Darling” (don’t worry, we won’t), chimed in with her own brand of snark, sarcastically noting that at least Bezos’ billions bought some “good memes.” Because that’s what really matters, folks. Memes.
And let’s not forget Amy Schumer, who, in a stroke of comedic genius, pretended to be a last-minute addition to the space crew. Because nothing says “hilarious” like mocking a groundbreaking event for women in STEM. 👏
Even before the rocket launched, Olivia Munn, star of the cinematic masterpiece “Your Friends and Neighbors” (a film so forgettable, we had to Google it), slammed the flight as “gluttonous,” because apparently, space exploration is now on par with eating an entire cake by yourself. Munn, clearly an expert on both astrophysics and economics, pointed out that “there’s a lot of people who can’t even afford eggs.” A truly devastating point. How can we even think about space travel when there are breakfast foods to be purchased?
Meanwhile, back on planet Earth (or should we say, planet Peasant?), Gayle King, fresh off her cosmic adventure, clapped back at the haters, claiming they “don’t really understand what is happening here.” She and her fellow space travelers, she insisted, have been hearing “from young women, from young girls about what this represents.” Inspiration? Hope? The possibility of one day marrying a billionaire and hitching a ride on his rocket? We may never know.
Sanchez, ever the diplomat, invited the naysayers to “come to Blue Origin and see the thousands of employees” who have poured their hearts and souls into this project. Because nothing says “we’re not out of touch” like showcasing your massive workforce to the unwashed masses.
So, there you have it. A billionaire took his fiancée and some famous friends on a quick trip to space, and the internet lost its collective mind. Is it wasteful? Probably. Is it tone-deaf? Definitely. Is it entertaining as hell? Absolutely.
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